The Second Sun - English

The Guilt

Since that rainy day the weather seemed to not have the courage to change. Afternoons were cold, not to mention mornings or evenings. Saeran used to listen to his brother's television, since often he would raise the volume to the maximum without realizing, and thanks to this he learned of a couple of important things —and others not so much—. One of those important things was that there was an occasional front, apparently coming from another area and should be away in the coming days, giving place to a warm evening. However, Saeran associated it directly with his state of mind.

He believed that the bad weather was a kind of "karma", all because a couple of days ago he had been very clear about what he felt when he said that "he didn't deserve to see the sunlight". He thought that the cloudy sky was some kind of punishment, and that the sun was hiding from his field of vision.

Saeran had never stopped to think of the sun, and he had never imagined that he would want to feel the rays of light in his face so much. Of course, that would also be a kind of fantasy, since the only reason he longed for something like that was because of who he considered his sun was no longer by his side.

He was sad, sinking into negative thoughts every minute.

After several days feeling the same, Saeran stopped leaving his room. Before, he used to go get ice cream or something else to eat or drink, but now he didn't even do that. He only went out to go to the bathroom. He was still stuck by his window, waiting for the sky to clear and watch its beautiful blue color. Only that way he would feel free again.

There was a moment when he didn't even go to the bathroom anymore, and Saeyoung worried a lot. He came to see him in his room and could confirm that his brother was still in the same pose sitting by the window. He looked thinner —because he didn't even take in consideration the food that Saeyoung got him—, his dark circles had gotten worse, and his eyes were red and somewhat swollen. He supposed that the reason was that he had cried too much in recent days.

Slowly he moved to him and placed his hand on his shoulder.

"Saeran, you haven't left your room in almost two days. Come... I made some food, and there's ice cream too. If you feel so bad you can take a bath or shower first..."

There was no response.

He began to stroke his shoulder gently, trying to get him to react, and then Saeran got up and headed to the bathroom on his own. It was little, but that gave Saeyoung some respite. In addition, he could now use the instance to do something he had in mind several days ago. He went to his room and, already installed on his computer, began typing insistently.

Saeran entered the bathroom, turned on the hot water tap, and withdrew his hand immediately as he felt it burning. Even in his state he did his best to regulate it. He needed to take a shower.

He undressed, got into the shower and, after putting his head under the stream... broke into tears again. He no longer wept of sorrow, now it was only anger. Rage on himself, for being so useless. He grabbed his hair and sat in a corner of the shower, still sobbing.

He began to think about what he thought every day, and that was that probably he was the only one to blame in all this history, since if he hasn't been so weak and easy to manipulate, probably none of this would have ever happened. It all came down to that he could have been smarter and realize that they were using and even drugging him... He could have trusted more in the love that his brother had for him, and in the love that himself had for his brother too, regardless of the years. If it had not been for Mint Eye... maybe he could have had a normal friendship with Yoosung and the rest of the R.F.A. But at the same time, the idea that he couldn't imagine a different context to know everyone invaded his mind. Everything would be so different... And even though it hurt, he felt a little grateful.