?Diary Kinda?

Dear asshole

An: So I wrote this letter to an asshole who still manages to haunt me. And next year if he still harasses me I am giving him this so he will leave me the fuck alone. Also his name is changed to asshole in it

Dear asshole,
This is a letter that contains and the reason why I hate your flirting so much. I can barely read your name without wanting to vomit. This is just a small amount of the pain you've caused me. I am writing a letter instead of talking to you in person because this way I can hand it to you and move on with my life without making a mistake or crying. Because unlike reality letters can be proof read and changed to my liking. I assume I should tell you when this is being written it is the beginning of July of 2016. Why some random time? It's because I have been having dreams about you for some reason. One included you hanging out with your friends and leaving them to ask me out. I rejected you immediately and later regretted it in the dream. Which scared me, you had been so kind and genuine in this dream and it made me feel like a monster. I then chased you and asked you out and was happy when you said yes.

I have no reason why this happened, but it hurt me to see you so frail and weak. In a way you managed to take advantage of me even in my dreams. That dream ended with you kissing my best friend which only hurt me more. You know that I had actually liked you in 6th grade, right? I had a feeling that you had known and had been tormenting me for having feelings for you. My friend told me that you were rude, selfish, and abusing. I wished I had believed her at the time.
So in sixth I had liked you, you had known and ignored it. Seventh you didn't notice me in general and had been with a lot of girls which at the time I had still liked you a bit so this hurt me. In eighth I felt like you were only using me for your enjoyment.
The reason why I hate pickup lines is difficult to explain. I guess it is for three different reasons. First of all no one has had a real crush on me. Sure I have had boyfriends, but I had either guilted them into it or I had asked them out and they said yes then broke up with me the next day. It's pretty simple, I am too tall for things like cuddling, holding hands, kissing, or just to be around. I know that others think the same thing. No one in our age group has liked me and I've given up.
So when you come around jokingly flirt with me and then go flirt with others it hurts. Because I feel like your mocking me. I know that no one our age would actually want to date me. I was actually really happy the first time you did it. I didn't know how to express it so I acted like I hated it. And then you turned around and did it to Jay, one of my best friends, right in front of me.
The second reason is that I have been harassed by so many creepy people. People in their thirties that ask me for my number (which I deny) and then continue to follow me around the library. I am pretty sure I have a stalker because a either a restricted number or a 385 number with call me constant. Any time from four am to six pm. I will answer and say, "Hello this is Zoe Callahan how can I help you," only to be responded with nine seconds of heavy breathing and them hanging up. This has happened all year and I'm so scared. The list of creepy things that have happened to me by men in their thirties is surprisingly long. When I was eleven it was raining and a man in a van followed me while I was walking and pulled over when I was two houses over from my friend's house and I ran. When I got to my friend's house that day she had said that the same thing had happened to her when she went to the library. My record for number of times being catcalled from creeping people is thirteen in one hour. So being hit on scares me. It feels like I'm suffocating whenever I am flirted with so I blow it off when I really want to run away and scream.
The third reason is your homophobia. The whole time in second period you flirted with me and then in third I would just talk to Abby or we would hug in class things like that and you would call us disgusting. It hurt each time I felt my heart drop to my stomach and you have caused me more that five panic attacks from this. To explain why me and Abby were doing this is actually quite simply. For her I was just support, both of us have depression and physical contact let's people know that they are there for the other person. So I was comforting her, and for me I needed human touch. I am lonely my cat is my favorite person and he isn't even a person, but he is so reliable for comfort. I am a clingy person towards my friends because I know that we will eventually part ways. I actually don't really care about gender btw, if I like I person I don't care about what's under their pants, we are too young to be worrying about sex anyways.

Also you have done so many things that have scared me. Are you really ok? Once in class you lifted up your sleeve to show your scars from cutting which were most likely fake, you could have created them through scratching yourself lightly a few moments before hand. The only reason why I think it's fake is because no one would show them with so much pride. You have probably seen my left arm it's pretty obvious, I don't wear long sleeve shirts. There are nine cuts on that arm which is clearly form self harm and much more on my legs. I have stopped after my sister found them and threatened to take me to therapy and put me on antidepressants. Lately I feel the need to continue. I don't do it for some petty bullshit reason. I do it because I know that if I can manage that little amount of pain I can manage living.
But I try to hide my scars as much as possible because some of my closest friends don't even know I am depressed because I like to try and pretend that I am better then who I really am. Yet there you were showing them with so much pride where I just left them alone like they were ancient scars when they had been done this year. I guess that is all I am going to share because I can already imaging you reading this and laughing, but I needed something to fill my time it's 5 in the morning and I haven't slept yet I am scared I will dream about you which will cause me for pain. In conclusion I hate you more than I can say out loud.
-Zoe Callahan