tattoos // lashton

twenty-two.

- Ashton -

I was starting to become more frustrated with myself. You think that I'd be happy, but yet I'm still quite the opposite. Luke decided to take me out on a date, so I was hoping that that would make me feel even the tiniest drop of happiness.

We arrived to a movie theater to see a film I had wanted to see really bad. I smiled as Luke paid for both tickets and bought popcorn and a pop for us to share. This theater had very nice seats; so nice that I almost wanted to sleep instead of watching the movie. I took my seat next to Luke, resting my head on his shoulder and mindlessly throwing popcorn into my mouth. His right hand was intertwined with my left, his thumb slightly rubbing my hand. I felt relaxed for the first time in what seemed like years, and I sighed contently as I continued to watch the movie.

"You totally fell asleep," I accused. The movie had just finished, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Luke, on the other hand, missed half of it.

"No, I didn't! And even if I did it was because you're so warm that I just closed my eyes for a minute and next thing I knew I was asleep," he said, throwing away the empty drink and popcorn tub that had nothing but kernels. 

"If anything that sentence just dug you further into this hole. Also I looked up and saw your eyes closed, so I'm right," I said, giggling then kissing his cheek. He crossed his arms.

"Okay, so maybe I slightly dozed off a little bit. It's fine." He eventually laughed, too, wrapping an arm around my shoulder as we walked to the car.

"I was thinking that we go to lunch now? Sound good to you, love?" He asked, and I nodded, turning on the radio and hooking my phone up with the aux cord.

"Sounds perfect. Wherever you wanna go," I responded, because I couldn't care less about where we ate. I'll eat anything. I hit shuffle on my phone, a random Majid Jordan song being the outcome of that. I listened quietly as Luke sang along. I could listen to him sing for hours and not get sick of his voice. It's so beautiful how he completely loses himself in his music sometimes. I wish I had something I was as passionate about as Luke is with his music.

When we arrived at the restaurant, Luke insisted on opening my door for me. I did nothing but wait until he got around, jumping on his back right after he opened the door. He almost fell due to the unexpected weight being out on him, but he managed to keep his balance.

"Why are you the way that you are? A simple 'thank you' would've been appreciated and honestly preferred," Luke said, trying to push me off his back. I kissed his cheek and got off by myself.

"You're welcome." Was all I said as I held the entrance door open for him. See, I was nice right back and he didn't even say thank you as he walked past me, instead winking in my direction. I rolled my eyes as I entered the restaurant after him. 

We were seated next to a couple who didn't seem to appreciate us. The man looked grumpy and mean, and the lady looked bored and tired. The two eyed our connected hands with a look of disgust, and Luke gave me an understanding smile when I pulled mine away. We would have to cool it with acting like a couple. We both know what people can be like, and either of us wanted to be on the receiving end of it. I was on that end quite a bit in high school, and I never wanted to be there again. I never wanted to feel the pain of a hand to skin connection, or the sharpness of harsh words being spat with disgust painting their letters. 

"Ashton? What would you like to drink?" Luke asked, and I guessed I had zoned out slightly. I shook my head to clear my thoughts, informing the waitress that I would like a water. Luke looked at me sadly.

"Are you okay?" He asked, and I could tell that all he wanted to do was reach out and hold my hand, but he knew I would refuse to. He also knew that it was for the best, because someone yelling at us or glaring at us could result in him having a panic attack, and he's been doing so well. 

"I'm okay. Just...nervous, I guess," I answered, and he nodded, looking down at his menu. I did the same, though my appetite was gone. I would eat anyway, because Luke was noticeably on edge and I didn't want to do anything to set him off. The girl came back with our drinks, and the two of us ordered. I noticed we both went for something small instead of a full meal. I guess Luke lost his appetite, too.

The couple continued to sneak in glances at us as the two of us held on a conversation. They didn't seem to like each other very much, and part of me began to wonder if they were even soulmates. If they weren't, then I would kind of feel bad for them, but perhaps they are with their matching aura of rudeness. 

When the food came, we both ate slowly. The two of us got quieter, instead just enjoying the other's presence and occasionally glancing at each other. Luke repeatedly put his silverware down to place a finger on his wrist, which he thought he was doing discreetly, but really wasn't. 

"It's okay. Excuse yourself if you need to. I'll be alright, or I'll go with you if you want me to," I whispered to him, just loud enough for him to hear. He looked up at me, telling me to stay here as he rushed off to the bathroom. I sighed, sad that he ruined his streak. It had been almost a week since he had a panic attack. He was doing so good. 

I knew his anxiety was bad, but this put a new perspective on it for me. These people didn't even say anything to us. All they had to do was give a few nasty glares and that was enough to shallow his breathing and cause him to try to sink into himself. I knew he'd get past this eventually because he's definitely strong enough to. He just needs to get out of his head and focus on the positive things. 

When he came back, his eyes were tinted red and his fingers were still attached to his wrist. We ate in complete silence. I paid the bill, and we left as soon as we finished eating. The car ride was filled with nothing but Luke's silent singing, and occasional sniff or deep breath. He stopped at a red light, and I put my hand on his thigh. He gave me one of the saddest smiles I've even seen. His eyes went back to the road, the light turning green, and he continued to drive. 

~