You Complete Us - A Deadpool/Harley Quinn FanFic

Chapter 7 - Love Is a Battlefield

Deadpool POV

Okay readers, listen up! The author is AFK (Away From Keyboard for those non-gamers) and I'm taking over! Right now I am your Dungeon Master! Think of it like those old "Choose Your Own Adventure" books they used to have, except I choose everything for you, yeah? Let's fucking doing this!

Your POV...with Deadpool Influence

You are sitting at your computer surfing away on the internet. Click. Click. Click. Click. Once you finish viewing the animal porn site that you "accidentally" came across, you decide to see what new videos are floating around YouTube. You hover over the search bar, wriggling your fingers in thought before you decide on looking up videos about, "Proper Hygiene", because you're just feeling downright dirty after some of the videos you just saw from that site you "accidentally" came across. As you scroll past loser after loser being all-serious and describing proper hand washing techniques, you stumble across a video of a dude in a red and black suit. Once you get over the fact that this dude's ass looks absolutely fan-fucking-tastic in red, you decide to click on the video. The following is what you view:

A man dressed in a red/black suit and mask stands with his back turned singing into a back scrub brush to the song: "Love is a Battlefield". As the camera draws closer, he jumps as if the viewer has startled him. He stands clad in his suit standing in the shower, including a shower cap, as he idly squeezes the rubber ducky in his hand with an audible SQUEEK.

"Oh! Hi there. I'm your friendly neighborhood Deadpool here to tell YOU...how to wash your stank *BEEP* properly. Wait I can't even say *BEEP*? Mother*BEEP*er."

Deadpool turns on the water as it cascades across his suit.

"First...you want to make sure your niiice and wet." He says as he starts to rub his hands all over his body. The camera cuts to various close up shots as he caresses his chest, his stomach, his rear as 70s porn music plays in the background.

"Next...you want to get a REAL good lather going. Nobody likes raw dog!"

He grips the bar of soap in his hands as it suddenly slips from his grasp and lands on the shower floor with a thud. His form quickly drops down and out of frame from the camera before standing back up again.

"Also...as a golden rule, don't EVER drop the soap..."

The camera cuts to a zoomed in shot of Deadpool's face as one eye goes wider than the other does.

"Or do...who knows...you might enjoy it."

He continues to lather up his...suit with the soap, making sure to pay extra attention to his underarms and groin.

"Experts might tell you to lather for 30 seconds to make sure your nice and de-germified but I am here to tell you, who *BEEP*ing cares! Five seconds? A minute? *BEEP* you might even decide to rub one out suddenly when the soap gets to your meat and tackle. What happens to those 30 seconds then, huh?!"

He throws his arms out to either side as the soap again slips and launches from his grasp, his head glances down as the camera cuts then to a shot of Deadpool wiping himself down with a towel.

"Then you rinse...squeegee yourself with your hands...and pat yourself down with a towel!" Deadpool says as he runs the towel over his suit, taking a little extra time when he pulls the towel back and forth between his legs. He shivers before the camera cuts and ends with a close up shot of Deadpool.

"And there you have it! You are now officially squeaky clean, Deadpool style! If you don't have a shower...there's also a car wash. Just wait till someone pays, drives their car in, and run your naked self in quick and get out, before the driver even realizes what's happening! Have a good day, and subscribe to Harley and I's channel, Pooley!" Deadpool ends with his hands resting under his chin as a subscribe button pops up in the corner of the screen.