my heart, my soul » namjin

9. Hurt Me

I stayed in bed for days. The only time I moved was to shower or use the restroom. I wasn't hungry, my appetite was gone. You would think that since I've been in bed all day that I'd have gotten a lot of sleep but that's completely false. I haven't been able to sleep, not when that horrid scene replayed every time I closed my eyes. Ravi haunted my dreams. Namjoon didn't love me and although I saw it coming, nothing really could prepare me for the heartache I felt at that exact moment. I blame myself a lot. Mainly because I warned myself and knew the whole time that Namjoon was only playing with me, his end goal was to break me and that's just what he did. What's worse was that he just stood there. He just stood there and watched me get gripped harshly by Ravi. At first I thought it was because Ravi was stronger than him so he had no chance against him but then I remembered what he promised me. He promised to always protect me, but as I realize things it's been Ken. Ken's been the one to step in when I need help. Was Namjoon really blocked out when I first met Ravi in that dream? Was it all set up? That made me whimper aloud. I clenched my chest as tears brimmed my eyes, I thought I was all cried out but I wasn't. Every thought had tears spring to my eyes. I was truly heartbroken. Would I want this aching pain of heartbreak or of loneliness? Both are horrible and unbarring but in reality was this really better than what I was facing previously, before I met Namjoon and let him into my life oh so easily? With a sigh I slid out of my bed, Hoseok and them checked up on me every once in a while but most of them understood that I wanted to be alone and in my own space. I glanced around the room that was now gloomy from all the emotions within it. With a sigh, I twisted the door handle and slid past the entrance. The halls were empty, the occasional creak of the floor that I walked on filled the space. I managed to find my way around and into the front garden. Ken told me it was helpful to him when he was going through a hard time. Today I decided I should try it out, I needed to ease my nerves before I truly lost it. I smiled grimly at the sight. The white roses were beautiful and in full bloom. It's always perfect weather up here which I expected. Other colorful flowers littered the area and within seconds I found my gaze turning toward the gates. The golden gates that stood tall and glowed brightly. A sparkle occurred at first glance, its grandness and perfection had me in awe every time I looked at it. How could I become so envious of such a thing? An object? Yet again, I was also an object. An object to Namjoon. I bit my bottom lip as it began to tremble. As I assumed, the garden only brought a small wave of serenity through me. But at the end of it, I was back to square one. For some reason I wanted to step out of the gates, see what happens. Or just to feel free again. Not in Heaven, not in Hell, but back at home. On Earth, with other mortal's. I didn't realize I had walked to the gates and gripped the bars within my grasp until Ken snapped me out of my thoughts.

"You're homesick." I only glanced and gave a curt nod. He was right, I was homesick. I wanted to go back to my old life, my lonely life. It was probably better than this.

"I want to go back. Home that is... I'll lose it if I stay here any longer." Ken seemed to understand as he hummed in response. I wanted to be alone in the comfort of my home. The way it used to be.

"Which is why I managed to convince Hoseok and his puppy to let you go back home. I'll check up on you and make sure nothing happens but I'll also give you your space." I swiftly hugged him.

"Thank you, Ken. You're truly the only person I have to rely on." Ken chuckled and hugged back while running a hand up and down my spine, the other running through my hair.

"You also have Hoseok and Yoongi now, but I'll bask in this Ken praise and leave it at that." Ken stated with a light tone, for once I managed to smile genuinely. Ken pulled away and kissed my forehead and wiped away the tears I hadn't realized were beginning to stream down my face again. "Go on."

Ken waved me forward as he pressed something which made the gates creak open. I gave him one last glance and a timid smile. I stepped backwards, still facing Ken. Once I was outside of the gates Ken's figure began to fade away. I frowned and felt another ache, I was now truly alone. After a few seconds I was back in my room. I ran straight to the bathroom to look into the mirror. I had dark circles and large bags around my eyes, my hair was messy and I was still in the large t-shirt Ken lended me. The others didn't mind that this was my habit, wearing a large shirt and boxers only. I splashed some cold water against my face. After doing so, I stumbled back to my room and slid under my covers. I turned my back to the middle of the bed and sighed before closing my eyes. I felt slightly better now that I was home and in a familiar area. The still room didn't last though. My stomach dropped when I felt a dip in the bed, my breath quickened as I felt slim arms wrap around my waist. I kept my eyes tightly shut and mumbled incoherent words.

"You're dreaming, Seokjin. You're safe. You're okay." I repeated, refusing to open my eyes. A dark chuckle caused me to shrink down and tense.

"This isn't a dream, angel." His breath fanned against my ear lobe as he nibbled on it gently. "I see you missed me, couldn't sleep without me huh?" I wanted to slap him. I wanted to kick him. I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me, except he hurt me emotionally.

"Why can't you just leave me alone, you had your fun. What more do you want from me?" I whispered hoarsely. His presence from behind me disappeared. This caused me to open my eyes, only to be met with dark orbs. My breath hitched as I saw Namjoon gazing at me, inches away from my face.

"I thought you trusted me, sweetheart." Namjoon chuckled again and ran his index finger across my cheek. I tensed at his touch, I craved it but also wanted to escape from it.

"You let him h-hurt me." My voice cracked as tears came to blur my vision. "You promised to protect me no matter what, but I should've known better than to trust a filthy demon." I spat and swatted away my tears.

Namjoon growled deeply before yanking me to sit up. His arms were gripping my triceps as I frowned towards his angry expression. His jaw locked before he grumbled out.

"I knew you wouldn't get hurt."

"Physically." I mumbled and turned to look away since I couldn't escape his arms.

"Whatever Ravi told you, ignore it. I kept my promise, I just didn't interfere because I have a plan. I can't tell you what I'm up to but just know that you can only trust me, no one else." Namjoon loosened his grip and tilted my head back to look at him. "I felt you hurting, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, baby. I felt your heartache, I felt everything. I wanted to help you but please understand that I wasn't able to. You'll understand things better after I set everything up. For now you just need to trust me. Can you do that for me, angel?"

"No." I dead panned before I yanked away from him and went to walk away but he gripped my wrist, causing me to turn around sharply and collapse onto his lap.

"You will trust me. You will always trust me. You will only trust me." My eyes widened as I scrambled to plug my ears and get out of his grip. He finally let me go and I slid to ground screaming, with a tear stained face I looked up at his emotionless expression.

"How could you?"

"Jin-" "No! Don't touch me. How dare you use that on me, how dare you?!" I collapsed down further and sobbed, it wracked throughout my body as my hands came up to cover my face. Silently, Namjoon stood up. I thought he was going to disappear like usual but instead he knelt down and wrapped his arms slowly around me. We stayed like that before I ran out of energy and finally let myself fall asleep in his arms. Those sleepless nights in Heaven finally took its toll on me. Namjoon was with me again, but this time I have no choice but to trust him. All because of those pesky three's.

-

You'll soon see just what I have planned for the future. I know I've upset you, but I have to do this. Remember that I only want what's best for us. I could care less about everyone else, they aren't you. My heart, my soul. You'll never leave me, I forbid it. Rest now, angel. I've someone I'd like you to see again.