Say You Won't Let Go

07

Alexa

SOMETIMES I often wondered what it would be like to just disappear. To just vanish and leave all your worries and problems behind. I wish I could do that now. Disappear. But I can't. It was an endless battle between me and my thoughts, and I was losing.

"Alexa, can I talk to you for a moment?" Mr. Callaghan stops me before I can exit the classroom. It was the end of our second-hour class and I just wanted the day to be over already.

"I'm going to be late to my next class," I say hesitantly.

"This'll only take a moment." I sigh and make my way over to his desk. If he is going to scold me for not being caught up in the reading I swear-

"I was looking through the grade book and noticed a drastic change in your grades. Tell me, how does one go from a straight A student to B's and C's?" I cross my arms subconsciously and when I say nothing he continues.

"I've known you for the four years you've been at this school and I know these type of grades are average but the Alexa I know doesn't settle for average. I've noticed that lately you've been behind in a lot of work and have trouble focusing in class. What's going on?" He questions as if he really cares about my problems and what I'm going through.

You don't know?

I want to say.

Don't you know that my best friend committed suicide? That's it been the talk of the school these past few weeks? That I can't eat or sleep knowing that's she's dead and I'll never see her again? That the thoughts plaguing my mind twenty-four-seven make me want to scream and that maybe all of this is my fault?

"Just a little stressed about picking colleges and exams. Don't worry, I'll bring my grades up. Can I go now?" I let out an impatient sigh waiting for his dismissal,

He sighs, motioning his hand towards the door. As soon as I enter the Poetry classroom the late bell rings and I head over to the table where Alison, Madison, and Blake are sitting.

"Now that everyone's here let's get started," Mrs. Singh begins. "Today we'll be doing something different. I'll be giving you guys a project." A few groans go around the room but other than that people seemed to be intrigued.

"Poetry is when emotions are put into words. It has meaning. Which is why for this project I want you to write your very own poem about how you feel. I decided to be generous and give you all a week to finish your poems, which you may also work on in class." She sits down at her desk and starts typing on her laptop, seemingly dismissing us to get started on our work.

I can't bring myself to start working on my poem though as my thoughts feel like they're all over the place. Instead, I listen to Alison and Madison talk about anything and everything while trying not to stare at Blake as he works diligently.

When the bell rings I grab my things and head for the door, more than eager to leave. I had a headache and it didn't help that I felt like I couldn't keep my eyes open for more than five minutes.

"Alexa, wait up." I turn at the sound of my name being called and watch as the girls make their way towards me.

"Hey, guys." I try to smile, but I just didn't have the energy.

"You're still coming to our party tomorrow, right?" They ask in unison. 

It would have been kind of creepy how they'd say the same thing at the same time without even acknowledging it if I hadn't been used to it by now.

"Isn't it on Saturday?" I ask, confused. A birthday party on a school night didn't seem like such a great idea.

"Yeah," Alison says slowly. "Today's Friday." My eyes widen at the realization.

Oh gosh. It was bad enough that I was losing sleep, am I suddenly losing track of time too?

"Right, yeah, totally. I'll be there. I should get going now, I have to stop at my locker before class."

"Don't forget to bring a swimsuit!" They call after me.

Upon reaching my locker I swipe the combination and throw my books inside. I bury my head inside and take a deep breath, trying to comprehend exactly what's going on in my life. Someone taps me from behind and I jump hitting my head against the side of my locker.

"Shit." I groan and poke my head out to see Lucille, a girl I used to be friends with freshman year. We ended up drifting apart and that's when Cameron and I became best friends.

"Can I help you?" I grit out, rubbing the side of my head.

"Alexa, I know we haven't talked in months, but I just want you to know that I'm sorry about Cameron." She spoke cautiously as if she knew that I would snap at any moment.

"Thanks." Is all I say as I shut my locker.

I didn't know how to react. It didn't feel right accepting condolences about her death knowing that I might have been the cause of it.

Maybe if you just read the damn letter you would know.

I remain silent as she says, "Take care of yourself, Alexa."

I didn't realize how severe my lack of sleep was until I ended up falling asleep for half the class hour during my last period. I didn't even notice how huge the bags under my eyes were or how pale my skin looked until I caught a glimpse of my reflection in one of the classroom windows.

Managing to leave the building quickly without getting caught in the swarm of students, I head towards my car and unlock the door, throwing my bag into the passengers' seat.

When I pull into my driveway and turn off my engine my eyes land on the glove compartment and I open it, looking for the one thing I knew I would never take out. It was a picture of Cam and me at a football game.

"What is this?" I chuckle, looking down at the photograph she placed in my hands.

"Happy friend-anniversary!" She screams. "It's been three years!" She smiles widely at me and I smile back, turning my attention back to the picture of me and her at the first football game I ever cheered at.

"I love it, Cam. Thanks." I pull her into a tight hug and grin as she hugs me twice as tight.

I didn't know I was crying until a single tear dropped down onto the photo. I quickly wipe it off and start wiping my eyes as well, failing miserably at containing the overflow of emotions that have emerged. I lay my head against the steering wheel and sob uncontrollably.

That was the last thing she gave me before she died.