Say You Won't Let Go

16

Alexa

"HOW are you feeling today, Ms. Parker?" Dr. Barnes takes her usual seat before me, asking the same question that by now I was tired of being asked. It was my second to last day here and my last therapy session.

"Same as always." I sigh, slumping into the sofa. I hate having to attend these sessions with a passion but I was planning on leaving in a day so I decided that I should just suck it up.

"And have you continued to have any thoughts about harming yourself?"

"No," I answer honestly. Being underwater so long, not being able to breathe was the worst feeling ever.

"How do you feel about Cam?" She looks up at me from her clipboard, waiting for an answer.

"Well, considering the fact that she's still dead and how everyone seems to make it their mission to constantly remind me of her, I'd say I'm fantastic." The sarcasm hides the hint of sadness that comes as I think about her.

"Ms. Parker, I know this type of thing is difficult to cope with," She starts and I scoff.

"Please, what would you know?" I spit out. "You don't know what it feels like to lose the only person who understood you. You don't know what it feels like to be so alone and helpless that even your own parents and friends can't do anything about it."

"That's where you're wrong," She raises her voice, silencing me. Taking a deep breath she says,

"Three years ago, I lost my husband to suicide. He was a war veteran," My body goes rigid at her confession and I furrow my brows.

"I'm sorry for your loss," I whisper suddenly feeling horrible for my hostility towards her these past few days. "How'd you deal with it?"

"I talked about it, believe it or not. I found someone else to trust and I talked, told them how I felt." She replies.

"Did it get better?"

"Yes," she says sincerely. "It took some time, but I realized that it wasn't my fault. Maybe I could have stopped it, and maybe I could have noticed what he was going through, but I didn't and that's something you have to accept." I didn't respond. No matter how much I hated to admit it, she was right.

"Alexa," she calls me by my first name and I look at her. Really look at her. "It's not your fault. Cam had a reason for doing what she did, and instead of being angry at her, you have to be grateful for the time you did get to spend with her." I stay quiet for a minute, her words repeating themselves in my head.

"Thank you," I whisper, accepting what she said. I had never realized the harm I had caused to myself until now. She nodded back at me before her timer went off signaling the end of the session. I stood up from the seat, taking a deep breath before slowly making my way back to my room.

When I entered my room I was still in a daze, my mind going over what Dr. Barnes said. That's when it hit me. When it all hit me.

Cam is gone. Really gone and she isn't ever going to come back because she's dead and me trying to hold onto her as if she'll walk into my arms any day now has caused my life to go down a dark tunnel. One that I wouldn't be able to get out of alone.

I had to accept her death. I had to accept everything that's happened following her death.

So, I did.

I sat by the window the next morning, staring at nothing but that damn wall.

Today was the day that I'd finally leave this place and I was anxious. I could only imagine the whispers and gossip that would spread upon my return.

But I was also nervous to face my parents. I haven't seen them since my outburst and I wondered if they'd even bother to come get me and bring me home.

I turn my attention to the door when I hear a knock and almost sigh in relief when my parents walk in.

My mother rushes to me embracing me in a hug and I release a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. It felt good being in her arms. I wasn't used to it, but it felt nice.

She pulled away giving me a sincere smile before allowing my father to hug me.

"Mom I'm sorry," I spoke up not being able to act okay with them if I didn't apologize first. "To you too dad," I turned to him. "What I said was out of line and I shouldn't have disrespected you guys like that." My mother turned towards me, moving my hair out of my face before saying,

"It's okay, honey," she kisses me on my forehead. "Now let's get you out of here."

My first instinct as I step foot onto my front lawn is to do what I've seen in every homecoming movie scene which was to fall on to my knees and place kisses on the ground. Once realizing that was too much for someone who was only away for a week, I decided to just run into the house and collapse onto the couch.

I had never realized how much I took all of this for granted before I didn't have it. It may have only been a week, but a week without limited electronics, good food, and comfortable beds felt like an eternity.

My parents followed a few minutes after carrying the duffel bag that contained the very few clothing items I was allowed to bring with me into that place. It didn't take long for my moment to be interrupted by my growling stomach.

"Alexa, lunch will be ready soon," my mother yells from the kitchen. I rested my head on one of the decorative pillows we had bought with the couch and switched on the TV. My father sat in the chair beside me and watched the kids' show with me, even letting out a chuckle here and there at the silly jokes. I couldn't help the grin that made an appearance on my face.

For the first time since Cam died, it felt like things were okay.

It felt like things were going back to normal. My parents didn't pressure me to talk about how I felt or what I learned from my time there and I was appreciative of that.

It would still take me awhile to fill in that empty void Cam had left but I was getting better and I was finally ready to face my problems.