The Dark Side (A Dramione Story)

Chapter 12

WARNING - This chapter contains strong mentions of suicide. I'd just like to say that if anyone needs to talk about anything you're struggling with, or you're just up for a chat, you are more than welcome to email me at chanellefaith12@gmail.com. I personally know how awful it can be to feel like you're alone, so please don't suffer in silence.

Enjoy the chapter! x

---

Hermione made him some hot tea and draped a blanket over his shoulders, feeling relieved that he looked a little better. She checked Cho and Ernie's rooms and was pleased to find them empty.

"Does this happen often?" She asked quietly.

"Every now and then. It's no big deal," he shrugged apathetically.

"I think collapsing suddenly in the middle of the library is cause for concern, Malfoy." She noticed that she sounded a little over-bearing, so she softened her tone. "When was the last time you ate?"

He just shrugged again. The realisation that she hadn't seen him in the Great Hall at meal times the whole time they'd been at Hogwarts hit her suddenly.

"Have you eaten since you've been here?"

She left her question unanswered and avoided her disapproving glare.

"Answer me, Malfoy."

"I don't know, okay?" He muttered. "I left the Manor about a week ago, and I don't remember eating since."

"A week?" She exclaimed. "You've gone without food for a week? Do you have any idea how stupid that is? Are you trying to kill yourself?"

Silence engulfed the room, and he finally looked at her. She had said it as a joke, but when she saw the expression on his face she gasped in horror and sunk down into an armchair opposite him.

"You can't possibly be serious," she whispered. A rush of anger surged through her, and the words flew out of her mouth before she could stop them. "I suppose that's just like you to give up when the going gets tough. Once a coward, always a coward."

"You think I'm doing this out of cowardice?" He stood, fury flashing behind his silver eyes. "I don't deserve to be here. I don't deserve to live after so many who fought for the right side don't. I shouldn't be standing here right now, at Hogwarts. Why did I live instead of the Weasley twin, or that Diggory guy, or anyone else that died fighting against Voldemort? I deserve to die."

"Don't be ridiculous, Malfoy." She murmured after a moment of shock. "You made some wrong choices, but believe me, everyone does. He manipulated you, the lives of your family were under his control."

"Don't lie to me," he growled. "I can see it in your eyes, you despise me. After all these years, after everything I've done, you can't possibly believe that I deserve mercy."

He abruptly stood and began pacing the room. Anger still radiated from him, but he lowered his voice. "When you saw me sitting on the floor in the bathroom the other night, I'd had a nightmare. I have them most nights, and I think you do too. I can hear you crying out in your sleep sometimes. The difference is that you are probably dreaming of the deaths of your friends, or something that had happened to you while you were on your noble adventure to defeat Voldemort. You're nightmares are guilt-free, because you fought for the right cause. Do you know what's in my dreams every night?"

She shook her head as he paused to stare at her, noticing the tears in his eyes.

"I hear you screaming. I see Bellatrix standing over you while she tortures you, over and over. I hear you sobbing while she scrawls that ugly word across your arm. I see myself, on the other side of the room, doing nothing to stop her." He paused. "I am a monster."

She gulped and fought back the tears that came as memories of that night materialised in her mind. "Really? Would a monster have lied to his family to save my life? You knew it was Harry, Ron and I that night, but you refused to give us up to Bellatrix. That took a lot of bravery."

"Granger, just stop. I can't handle your sympathy. I don't deserve –"

"Shut up!" She screamed. "I don't care what you think you don't deserve. If you say one more word I will hex you."

He stopped pacing and looked at her in surprise.

"Now, I am going to the kitchens to get you some food. When I get back you will eat, or I will tie you down and force it down your throat."

She raised her eyebrows, as if daring him to protest. When he didn't, she turned on her heel and stormed out of the common room.