05.08.2017
ella
The worst kinds of panic attacks are the ones that hit you while you're sleeping.
And that's exactly what has happened to me.
I think they're the worst because like, the ones that hit during the day start off slow and build up but these only wake me up at the peak so I have no time to prepare and they make me panic worse which makes them last longer.
I'm trying my very best to not wake Tyde up and so far it's working.
I sit with my back to him, sitting up, my elbows rest on my knees and my head is buried in my hands. I attempted to leave the room but I'm way too dizzy.
I feel like it's been hours but it's probably been no longer than 10 minutes. I don't see it ending very soon though. It's still sort of at the worst spot and it's not getting any better.
I try my very best to slow my breathing to a reasonable pace but it doesn't go very well and I think I made it worse.
The hand on the small of my back startles me at first but I settle as I realize it can only be him.
I feel like if I move I'll get dizzier and like throw up or something so I don't but feel him move to the spot next to me.
This is probably the worst panic attack I've ever had around him and I think it's kind of freaking him out.
I feel terrible. Like I can't breathe but I'm actually breathing really hard. I can feel my heart pounding and that's the only thing reminding me that I'm not really dying, I just feel like I am.
I think I feel him rub my back, I have that stupid numb feeling again.
I don't know how long it is until I get control of my breathing back and then I can steady it.
That takes probably another 10 minutes and I feel better for the most part. But still dizzy. I don't trust sitting up because I still feel like too much movement will make me nauseous and I don't need that. I hate throwing up.
"I literally cannot tell if that was a panic attack or not," Tyde speaks for the first time.
"It was, just the worst I've had in like 4 years," I sniffle after speaking.
"Do you need anything?" he whispers softly and I'm thankful for it because I can tell a headache is coming on.
That mixed with that dizzy/fuzzy feeling you get when you stand up too fast is going to kill me.
"Can you get me some water?" that should help with the dizzy feeling.
"Of course, anything else?" I definitely feel his hand run across my back this time.
"Um, ibuprofen," that should get me feeling better.
"I'll be right back," his lips are on my temple and then he's gone before I can even process anything happening.
I just feel really shitty right now.
He returns very soon with a water bottle and two pills closed in his hand. I pretty much force myself to sit all the way back up and take the things from him.
"Thank you," I crack the bottle open and take a sip. I feel much better already, maybe I was dehydrated and that's what made me feel fuzzy.
"Why was that one so bad?" he asks after I take the pills.
"Probably because it woke me up, the ones that start while I'm asleep have always been the worst for me," I forgot how bad it was to be woken up by a panic attack.
"It scared the shit out of me," he admits and I lean into his side and squeeze my eyes shut as the headache hits me pretty hard.
"Me too, I think that's why it was so bad,"
"You look like you feel terrible, do you want to lie back down or talk about it?" how about both?
"Can we do both?" it's a question but like, not really because I'm already crawling back to my spot and he's moving to his.
We face each other, me on my right side, him on his left.
"Do you know why it's not working?" 'it' is clearly my pills and kinda the whole 'getting better' thing.
"I'm really not sure but it could just because your body is still adjusting to it. I think you'll be better soon,"
Thank god, I trust what he says since he's been there.
"How soon is soon though?" because soon could be tomorrow but soon could also be a month from now.
"Hopefully really soon, and it's not gonna be like you wake up and its gone, you'll get a little better and then a little more better, but eventually, hopefully, your anxiety will be pretty much gone except for those bad days and like, normal anxiousness ya know? And I really need you to get better soon though because LANY is touring in the fall and I want to take you," okay that is the sweetest thing ever but I cannot see myself at a concert.
"I doubt I'll ever be well enough to go to a concert," so many people, I saw how bad the pit could get at some of Troyes shows.
"Babe I don't think you realize how well you will be by November. Like take me as an example, you didn't even know I was depressed until Troye told you," okay true.
"You're right," I simply state.
"I know I am, and I'm actually really excited to see you differently. Like you're still going to be you and probably shy but you'll be able to go to parties and concerts and stuff and you'll probably open up more and maybe make more friends," he just hyped me up, if none of that happens I'll probably be a little upset.
But once again, I trust him a lot. And I'm pretty sure we're on the same meds and I even saw him get better with them. Why am I in so much denial geez
"And your panic attacks will like, completely go away except for those bad days but on these meds I hardly ever get bad days anymore. I promise you're going to feel better and I know you're in denial which I understand because you've dealt with your shit for so long now but you can get better," I feel so much better to be honest.
I think that kind of released a little bit of my anxiety, maybe I was more worried about them not working than I thought.
"Did that help or did I just ramble?"
"Yeah it helped, thank you," I realize I've been staring at his chest this whole time and look up to his eyes.
He looks so tired but he's so determined to make me feel better, and some people say young love doesn't exist.
"It's all true," I'm glad he's not one of those people who makes stuff up to make someone feel better. He's honest with me and I bet if he didn't see me getting better he would tell me and help me do something about it.
But he's so honest with me and it always makes me feel so good about our relationship.
"I love you, and I really do feel better,"
"I love you too, and I'm glad you feel better about it, maybe it'll help speed it up because I can tell you're a little less tense," God I hope.
A/n
Hello it is 5:13 am and I was asleep but now I'm not.
I'm so thirsty? Like water sounds great but I'm definitely not getting up to get any.
Song:
I think I'm gonna go back to sleep bye
