06.10.2017 vote laid ease
ella
i don't know know what i'm expecting, i don't know what i want to talk to him about but we need to talk.
He probably won't even come over, he finally got rid of me i don't see why he would come back.
My depression has luckily not hit me too hard again. Everything is so hard but ethan made me promise him one thing; no cutting. and so far i've kept that promise.
I don't want to cut, i haven't had the urge to which really surprised me.
I'm not exactly sure what urged me to text him but i've thought about it for a while, i just wanna see him and if we can't be a thing anymore i think i at least want a friendship, i don't want it to be awkward or upsetting if we leave our apartments at the same time or run into each other in the parking lot.
Once it's been ten minutes since i texted him i'm sure he's not coming, but then my phone vibrates.
"meet me on the roof in five"
It's honestly takes me about five minutes to find a pair of pants, i obviously wasn't planning on wearing any to sleep and really didn't care if he came over while i had none on, my shirts long enough, and shoes.
I find a pair of running shorts and slip on my vans. I grab my key to the apartment, slipping it into the back of my phone case, and then leave the apartment after locking it so ethan and olivia don't get murdered or something.
I climb the staircase that leads to the roof and when i push open the heavy door that puts me outside i see that he's already here.
He looks as sleep deprived and tired as i feel. He brought a blanket which he sits on and i join him, sitting to his right.
"Did i wake you up?" i ask and i doubt he's slept but if he did and i woke him i'd feel pretty bad.
"No," he shakes his head, "It's hard to sleep at night," i can agree with that, i've basically become nocturnal.
"I'm sorry," he apologizes for i'm assuming the act of sleeping with someone he barely knows. I may be calm but i'm still very bitter.
"I know," i know he's so sorry but it's just so hard to be okay with what happened, i'm really trying.
"I don't know what i wanted to talk about, sorry," this wasn't the best idea.
"It's okay, i'm glad you wanted to see me," his presence is so comfortable and i feel better right now than i've felt all week. It's crazy how calming his aura is.
"I'm really trying to figure things out right now ya know, i've been trying so hard to be okay with what happened and i don't want us to be uncomfortable around each other. I just don't know how long it's going to take and what the outcome will be," he needs to know that i'm trying and i haven't completely given up.
"Do you think that there's any chance, any chance at all, that we'll be together again?" that's a very good question that i struggle to answer.
"I'm really not sure, i'm sure it's a possibility," i would love to be able to love and trust him again but that's going to be even harder to do.
"Thank you for trying, i'm an ass, and i'm stupid," i cant exactly disagree, "How are you mentally?"
"Pretty good actually, the meds really fuckin' work," if i didn't have them i'm sure i'd be much more of a wreck.
"Yeah, i'm alright too, i just can't sleep," it weird that neither of us can sleep. it's hard to sleep without him, as ridiculous as that sounds.
I wish he didn't fuck it up, i miss him.
"I can't either, i usually just sleep during the days,"
"Me too," he nods, "Troye hasn't talked to me in like three days, he's pissed," i can't really blame him but i'm sure it sucks to be alone through this.
I just wish i could have gotten a proper goodbye, i don't even remember our last kiss because it wasn't anything significant, just a little one before he left that day i found everything out.
"Can i do something really stupid?" i need a last kiss.
"Sure," he nods and i'm pretty sure he knows where this is going.
I make probably the worst decision ever when i turn my head and lock my lips with his. I just needed this a lot and now that it's happening i'm feeling a lot of emotions. It feels gross knowing what he did but there's so much love that it almost overpowers the icky feeling.
almost.
"This was bad, sorry," i pull away with my hand on his chest and look to the concrete below me.
"No, i'm sorry. i messed it all up," he shakes his head as i take my hand from his chest and i kind of want to go bury myself in my bed.
"This was dumb, i shouldn't have texted you," i'm regretting everything now. I'm mad again even though i probably shouldn't be. I'm supposed to be trying to forgive him but i just can't this is awful i hate all of this.
"Lets go back down," he suggests and that sounds like a pretty good idea.
"Okay," i quickly agree and stand up, moving off of the blanket that he drapes over his arm.
The walk downstairs is quiet, he holds doors for me though and it's one of those things that i've always loved about him.
"Ella," he speaks my name for the first time tonight and i turn to him.
"Try to get some sleep, okay?" even when we're broken up he looks out for me.
"I will, you should too. Goodnight tyde," we reach our apartments and after unlocking the door to mine, i go in and i cry again.
That was the stupidest thing i've done. ever.
AND I KISSED HIM
i kissed my stupid ex boyfriend who cheated on me but i still love a lot.
All of this was absolutely pointless and i wish i didn't text him and just continued to wallow in my own sadness.
after a solid cry session on the couch, i manage to sleep and i do so, for a very long time.
a/n
THIS IS SO BAD IM SORRY I DIDNT REALLY TRY I JUST NEEDED THIS OUT OF THE WAY
this took too long i'm really really sorry but i just couldn't write on this story it was NOT HAPPENING and the day i said i was gonna try to write i ended up with plans LOL
welp i'm back and ALSO TYDE SINGS NOW???? we love a king
i also kinda wanna give this story a fat makeover bc shes lowkey ugly since i've been writing in her for two entire years and have obviously gotten to be a much better writer. WE'LL SEE
not to jinx myself or anything but i'm gonna get writing on the next chapter which includes a large time skip that i got inspo for today so hopefully i'll see ya soon !!!!
song:
(duh)
