Harmonic Notes Of Insanity

The Decresendos of Me

I pop in my ear buds and listen to my all time favorite band, Starset. As I block out the rowdy kids on my bus, the lead singer's deeply melodic voice fills my head,

"There's no hate, there's no love
Only dark skies that hang above
I call your name as I walk alone
Send a signal to guide me home
Light the night up, you're my dark star
And now you're falling away

But I found in you, what was lost in me
In a world so cold and empty
I could lie awake just to watch you breathe
In the dead of night, you went dark on me", he sang.

I nodded to the beat of the music. Drinking in the meanings of each verse. I close my eyes and float into an abyss of tranquility...where everything felt okay again, where no one could see my personal thoughts, except me. The music anticipated reaching into the bridge of the song. I could hear the violins, and the brass instruments in the song. What I really like about Starset, is that it has orchestral instruments clashed with a taste of rock. Some of the songs start out calm and collected and then it springs into an energetic symphony. I'm not sure why I like this band...maybe it's how I can relate to the lyrics. It also has metaphors that are about galaxies, and stars. I've always loved learning about astronomy however, it's just a hobby.

Reality hits me when the bus jolts me forward. My face smashes into the seat in front of me.
Ouch.
I forget that I'm the last kid to be dropped off, and I always get home late because of it. I guess the long bus ride gives me time to clear my thoughts, and prepare myself for home...

I walk into my house heading straight for my room, trying to avoid my grandmother. Right when I thought the coast was clear, she stands in front of me with her permanent frown.
Dammit...
I met her dark, souless eyes with my own. How am I related to her?? I'm nothing like her, and I will never be...
"Hello, grandmother", I cringed at saying that name.
"Violet... ", she sneered.
I hate it when she says my name like that, it's like she's mocking me.
"Mind if I go to my room?", I politely asked.
"Oh no, not at all. Since it's your only place to hide from me", she remarked.
"What... What are you talking about?", It wasn't a lie, but how would she know?
"Well I mean, I'm a cold-hearted bitch in your thoughts", she smirked.
Wait a minute...
My journal!
SHE READ MY DAMN JOURNAL!!!
I tried to stay calm, but of course, it never works.
"How could you read my journal?! That is MY privacy, and you have no right to be snooping in my room!!", I screamed.
"I gave you everything you wanted, and this is how you say thanks?! If your parents weren't dead, I wouldn't ever have to deal with you!"
"Stop it grandmother..." I warned.
"I hated having to take care of you when they were alive just as much as I do now! ", she proceeded.
"Please...stop it now!!", I yelled. My breaths were becoming heavy, and tears formed fighting to cling on because if they were to fall, it would mean I am vulnerable towards her.
"Your parents are nothing but pathetic, careless, and a--"
"ENOUGH!! JUST SHUT UP!! NEVER TALK ABOUT MY PARENTS LIKE THAT!! YOU'RE A CRUEL AND BITTER WOMAN, AND I HATE YOU!!", I roared. Tears streamed from my cheeks. I couldn't breathe anymore. My heart was literally aching so much. I felt every worst emotion possible, but the one that I could feel clearly was hatred. I ran past her hearing her say, "They never loved you, and neither will I!".
I slammed my door so hard a picture slid off the wall. I didn't want to bother picking it up. I couldn't catch my breath, everything was closing in on me.
I felt lost...
Nowhere to go. I couldn't even spend the night at any of my friends house. I was consumed by dread, and sadness.
How can your own grandmother hate you so much? How can she be so bitter? Why does she resent my parents?
I spotted a picture, a silent memory of the warmth of being in my parents embrace. The stickiness of the chocolate ice cream around my cheesy grin clings to my heart. Pure child innocence shined from my glossy brown eyes. Pain washed away my anger, and turned into despair. I held the picture to my chest and sunk to the ground sobbing.
"Please... Please come back! I need you! I miss you guys so much... Please...come back to me!! ", I pleaded. The worst thing is... I know they're never coming back.
"Mom...Dad...please", I whimpered. Darkness drenched my conscience... My eyelids became heavier by the second. Everything turned pitch black.
And then I was gone...
Away from reality once again, and entered into my world. Something's wrong... I usually feel happy, and relieved. Now all I feel is grief... It's unsettling. My reality is seeping into the only escape I have. I feel numb...and it feels so good.

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