moon child | lai guanlin

ten

i shut my eyes, feet rooted to the ground. i awaited the stinging pain on my cheek, the loud sound of skin being slapped and the triumph in jiyeon's face i would see everytime i opened my eyes.

those girls who overheard jiyeon say that she was going to make my life a living hell, looks like they weren't wrong.

i've been forced to follow the same routine every single day in school;

going to school, watching guanlin and jiyeon laugh together. eating lunch alone, but at the same time, not alone. because jiyeon would join me at my table for ten minutes, making sure that i got a bowl of rice stuck in my hair before laughing and walking away. being called out by jiyeon at the end of school and getting beat up in the toilet.

i've told myself to get use to it, that there was only a year left in this hell, and i would be free from any form of pain and any form of mental torment.

that day, i cried myself to sleep. but i didn't sleep, i just cried. i couldn't fall asleep, thinking about the torture i would be put through the next day, the day after tomorrow and the days after that.

i wondered why nobody cared enough to help me, if anyone has ever felt a tinge of guilt tugging at their heart while quietly slipping past the scene of jiyeon giving me a slap on the face.

then i realised, no. nobody did. and nobody will. because i'm worthless, the soul satan refused to drag down into hell and instead decided to leave on earth because he thought they were so undesired.

the next day, jiyeon didn't come to school. the immense happiness i felt bubbling inside my heart was indescribable.

when school ended, guanlin spoke to me again, the first time in 2 months. he told me, with a solemn look on his face, "don't come to school anymore."

"w-what? why? why should i stop coming to school?" i questioned, different thoughts were flooding my head.

"oh.. it's because of jiyeon, right? she told you to tell me that because she didn't want to do it herself. okay, i understand. i won't come anymore. everyone would be happier if i stopped coming, anyways." a chuckle managed to force itself out of my mouth.

i plastered the most convincing smile i could manage on my face and walked out of the classroom.

i didn't know if i was just imagining things, but i swore i heard guanlin mumble something along the lines of "i'm sorry".

;

i went to see the stars again. i climbed up the grass hill, searching for the same place guanlin and i had laid down at the last time.

i let my body fall onto the grass, surprised at how painless it was.

the sky today was darker than before, if that was possible. making the stars appear brighter. i let my eyes run around the sky, trying to spot the star guanlin compared me to, exactly two months ago.

it was still brighter than all of the other stars, but somehow, it looked dimmer than when i last saw it.

the more i looked at it, the more empathy i felt for it.

i remembered something my middle school science teacher said in class,

"one day, all the stars in the sky will burn out, along with the blazing sun. when that day comes, we'll have to find another planet to live on. we'll have to leave earth, leave all the memories on earth behind and start a new life."

staring at the twinkling stars, i felt my eyelids grow heavy and the pain in my heart dissipating gradually as my consciousness faded away.

everything was white when i opened my eyes. everything was so silent that i questioned if i was even alive.

a voice spoke, a woman's voice. her voice was so soft, it was almost melodious.

"if i could grant you one wish, what would it be?"

i furrowed my eyebrows, although i doubted that she- or whoever the person speaking was, would be able to see my puzzled expression.

"one wish?" i looked up. i don't know why i expected to see stars.

"if i could have one wish granted.." i looked down, i stared at my hands, as if looking at them would force an answer out of my mouth.

"i.. want to be a star. i want to be a star in the sky."

"oh? why is that?" the voice inquired.

"every time you look at the sky at night, there will always be stars looking back at you. telling you that there's someone, or something, out there, that knows you exist.

or maybe i'm just a coward. maybe i want to be a star just because i want people to tell me how beautiful i am." i held back a laughter. i know i'm stupid for saying that, and it sounds ridiculous, really.

why would people tell me i'm beautiful if i can't even tell myself that?

the voice stopped speaking, and the white background was starting to turn into the colour of a night sky.

when i peered at my feet, i was standing on nothing. i almost started to panic before i realised that i was floating.

i waved my arms in the air, propelling my body upwards. the city was so much more beautiful at night, and it was reassuring to know that i wasn't part of civilisation.

i was alone, an object in the sky. there was nobody here who could judge me, there was no jiyeon, no guanlin, no heejung. there was only me, a foolish human being who thought they would be able to escape the cruelness of society just by making a wish.

i let out a laugh, even though there was nothing funny. then i started to cry because i realised that i wouldn't be able to stay here forever. that when i close my eyes and wake up the next day, i would still be face to face with jiyeon, the pain on my cheek never seeming to fade away.

my body grew heavy and i felt myself falling, so quickly that i was worried about my skin getting torn off my bones.

my eyes jolted open. i found myself laying comfortably on my bed, even though my breathing was loud and heavy.

i would've believed that i just had a very elaborate dream if i hadn't went star-gazing that night.