cherished affliction

Making Circles and Telling Lies

"When your father talks about being a leader, he always talks about being strong and unyielding. He always says that being forceful and demanding is the best defense if you wish to execute anything regarding a position of dominance. Lauren, I want you to know that isn't true. You are a natural born leader, and the key to being respected and dominant...is being continuously observant. If you can't read the people who are serving you, working for you, or even just in your company, you can't judge what's best for them and in retrospect what's best for you. Remain intuitive... Always pay attention, and always search for honesty and loyalty, in everyone you meet and in everything you do."

That was one of the final lessons her mother hoped teach Lauren, even as she lay on her deathbed.

Lauren never forgot those words.

Be observant. Remain intuitive. Search for honesty, search for loyalty. Her mother was constantly trying to instill the art of courage and respect in Lauren. Self-respect and respect for those around her, especially while she was in control of anything.

Her own mother prided herself in the art of being observant. She believed if you could read people, you could judge character better. And ultimately if you could judge character, you would learn who was really best for you.

Clara Jauregui was certain that that was the key to success. Surround yourself with the people who wanted to be led by you, who always remained loyal and honest to you.

And as her mother wished, Lauren adopted the same values, the same mantra.

Lauren applied it to running her beloved company. She was always keeping a close eye on her partners. She observed their body language, tone of voice, facial expressions. It seemed trivial, but it was the way she judged their loyalty and how she kept things under control.

It was because of those values that her mother taught her so vehemently towards the end of her life, that Lauren was able to know that Camila was hiding something from her.

In Camila's case things were much more simple, because Lauren didn't have to study Camila's body language. Lauren didn't have to watch the twiddling of Camila's fingers or the shrug of her shoulders.

It was all in her eyes.

Camila's big brown eyes revealed every emotion that she'd ever felt. No matter what, you could always find the truth there. The key to it was your willingness to get lost in them; you had to be willing to hold Camila's gaze for just a minute longer.

Lauren was more than willing. Camila's honesty was one of the reasons she adored her and staring into her eyes was mesmerizing. So when a heated gaze resulted in Camila looking to the edge of the counter at breakfast, or averting her eyes at lunch...that told Lauren everything she needed to know.

Camila wasn't looking Lauren in the eye when she spoke because she knew that Lauren would see.

Lauren would see that Camila was not being honest with her.

Lauren was amused at first. She was amazed that Camila hadn't cracked under the pressure of her gazes, or from the gentle touch to her shoulder as Lauren got coffee. She was surprised Camila hadn't cracked when Lauren smiled at her during a break from whatever important documents she was studying on the off-chance that Camila was there and not in the city – loosening her muscles for future auditions-

Was that even true?

Was Camila really preparing for an audition like she would murmur to Lauren with her eyes cast low during the day in a haste to leave? Or was she out with someone...doing something that for some reason she thought wasn't Lauren's business.

Those thoughts would seize her brain and that's when the amusement would go away and Lauren would get really, really pissed.

Because she would have these images - these visions of Camila, at some bar or out with some guy or girl smiling and flirting and having a good time, because it wasn't as if she and Lauren were dating.

Lauren didn't really think Camila would be that stupid to try something like that. But when the days would blur, and the clock would reach well into the evening hours, Lauren would start to become glazed over with anger, with suspicion.

Camila was well aware that Lauren was very possessive and maybe she didn't know this...but Lauren was also very sensitive. Although, she didn't want to know Camila's every move, and it wasn't about having control of her. It was about trust and honesty.

There was a part of Lauren that was deathly afraid of being lied to - of being betrayed. It was an act almost unforgivable between a Dominant and their submissive. There could be no dishonesty because it only welcomed distrust. That could destroy the dynamic completely. Lauren adored Camila at this point and cared for her so deeply that she really, really hoped she was wrong

It wasn't as if Lauren literally owned her. However, Lauren stated both in her contract and to Camila that she wasn't comfortable with Camila sleeping with anyone else. Camila agreed to that, and Lauren trusted her to uphold that agreement.

Also, the truth was that Lauren was afraid of getting hurt.

Being around Camila made her heart rate speed up. It made Lauren feel things she hadn't felt in years. Lauren had definitely experienced submissive's who broke their fidelity to her before and she remembered feeling betrayed and upset. Now, in regards to Camila, it was different. She was afraid of how she might react if Camila found someone else.

So right now, Lauren was thankful for distractions. Work had piled up in front of her and Lauren was happy about it, because although it was inevitable, she didn't want to find out about what Camila was hiding just yet, seeing as things were beginning to blur in a complicating way.

Lauren felt like the truth behind what Camila was hiding was going to hurt her, no matter what it was, because Lauren had become so close to Camila. She had begun to feel unknown ties to someone who was only supposed to kneel at her feet and carry out her needs.

However, it wasn't as if the rules meant Camila was supposed to act distant and cold just because they weren't in a relationship.

Doms and subs were equal outside of play, and if they were not romantically involved, they were at least very close friends. Lauren was well aware of that with her experience. But sometimes Lauren had to look past her lifestyle, and take care of her life, first. There were only few things keeping those two lines from crossing.

Lauren's life had been lacking an intimate relationship for a while, her feelings making things entirely too difficult. With the loss of her parents, her condition, and everything else...Lauren wasn't ready for a relationship. For a girlfriend. For love.

Love.

Lauren was afraid to even speak the word in the presence of anyone, let alone Camila. It would just make the lines smear. However, there was no denying that Lauren loved Camila as both a sub and a friend.

But it seemed that they weren't even that much. There were still boundaries that they were careful not to cross...that you could cross as friends. Camila still seemed to be getting used to the idea of living with the woman she was only fucking. She was a collared and trained sub, but she was still fragile and inexperienced. There were still things that Lauren didn't know about her.

Like apparently, her fear of being honest with Lauren.

Lauren found herself reasoning that maybe this was something personal. Something that Lauren honestly wasn't supposed to know.

Lauren spun around in her office chair, taking her glasses off and staring out the window.

It really saddened her that their dynamic was so formal. But Lauren hadn't had any other dynamic since Alexa. And that was only because Alex, at the time, had been hypnotizing.

Alexa was an aggressive sub, a brat that Lauren pretty much raised from the ground up, because she was the perfect challenge.

Lauren, of course, fell hard for her.

They fucked, made love, and Lauren thought she had found the one. She thought that Alexa was her soul mate. But being in a romantic relationship while being Dominant and submissive, was a task. It was a task for Alexa, who was struggling with her own desires to be a Dominant.

But it was especially a task for Lauren, who was taught to master control of her...everything. Lauren, who had practically blanketed herself in a cocoon of structure from birth, despite her mother's input on the matter.

"You shouldn't be so closed off, Lauren. One day when you find the woman you love...you'll have to be open because you'll need to be able to tell her how you feel. How much you're hurting or how happy you are, and most importantly how much you love her."

Lauren smiled at her mom, "Mom slow down with the fairytale. I'm only a junior in high school...I'm far from love."

Clara smiled at her daughter from the bed she was laying in. "I know it's hard Lauren, with your condition...but you're going to find some perfect girl, who is going to love you exactly the way you are, and she's going to want to be everything you've ever wanted. And you know that part of you that is so hard, so blocked by walls and molded with control? It's going to fall to pieces from something as simple as her smiling at you."

Simply from smiling at her.

Clara Jauregui truly believed her daughter would fall in love with the perfect woman and that that woman was going to save her from whatever caused her to be so reclusive.

Clara Jauregui believed that this woman was going to do all of this simply by smiling at Lauren.

If Lauren was being honest with herself, if she would come to terms with the truth that she valued from her mother's teachings? She'd realize that she was scared to death of finding that person.

That woman that would look into her hazel eyes and know that there was pain there, but wouldn't try to change her, yet would still be able to finally take away the remnants of a mother pale with disease, and a cold father.

Lauren was terrified of the girl that would be able to fix her, with only a smile.

"Lauren?"

Lauren turned around at the soft voice, and looked up into Camila's nervous eyes. She was sans sports bra and sweats and donning jeans and a tank, under a leather jacket.

"Well. You look nice, going somewhere?" Lauren said, putting her glasses back on and smiling at the now blushing girl.

Camila reached through her ringlets, and scratched the back of her neck. Looking at her feet, she shuffled. "Yes...um, I'm going out with Dinah and Shawn...is that okay?"

Lauren leaned back in her chair and smiled. "It's perfectly okay, Camila."

Camila smiled. "Okay. I know you're busy, and you said it was alright for me to go places...but I just wanted to make sure you knew where I was, and who I was with...just in case..."

Lauren crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow, watching the girl fidget unconsciously. She seemed to be nervous just simply from holding the conversation with Lauren. The anxious energy glistened like sweat on Camila as she licked her lips and slid her eyes towards the doorway to further avoid meeting Lauren's gaze.

"Just in case?" Lauren answered for her curiously and smirked as Camila's small fingers fiddled against each other in front of her stomach. Camila bit her lip and blinked, looking at her feet again.

Lauren snapped her fingers. "Camila."

Camila jumped and locked eyes with Lauren; she was staring at Camila and crossed her legs as she spoke evenly. "You need to look at me when you speak, you know that."

Camila nodded. "I'm sorry, Lauren."

Lauren smiled. "It's alright. With all the fidgeting you're doing, it would seem as if you were hiding something from me."

There it was...the opening.

Camila knew. She had to know. She had to be able to tell that Lauren was giving her the opportunity to be honest with her about whatever it was that she felt she needed to hide.

Maybe Lauren should have been more upfront. Maybe she should have stopped Camila from going, and demanded the truth. Maybe it would have been better if Lauren would have called Camila to her knees and told her that she knew she had been lying.

But Lauren wanted to know that Camila knew better, she wanted to see if the girl was brave enough to just do the right thing.

Camila laughed lightly, her voice taking on a tone that was clearly filled with nervousness. "I'm not hiding anything. I'll be downtown and Shawn and Dinah will be there...I...I shouldn't be out too late."

Lauren pursed her lips and nodded, returning to the stack of papers that were clouding her desk. "Alright. Be safe, Camila."

Camila nodded, although Lauren couldn't see her and she turned to leave, breathing a sigh of relief on her way out of the office.

Lauren buried her mind in her business for now, hearing the girl rushing out of the front door at the sound of a horn. Lauren turned around and rose from her chair, leaning towards the window to watch the girl climb into a cab.

"Smart."

Camila took a cab, to avoid using one of Lauren's drivers. Lauren chuckled, despite feeling a little annoyed with Camila's now painfully obvious sneaking around.

What was so damn important that Lauren couldn't know about it?

Lauren turned around and left the papers on her desk, her office now empty as she walked through the hall and into the kitchen. Trailing her hand over the island as she passed she wondered what she could coerce Faye into making her for dinner.

Then, while staring at her refrigerator – something caught her eye.

A pink sticky note.

Lauren furrowed her eyebrows and squinted to read the loopy writing.

Camila, here is the address to the club...can't wait to get sexy with you tonight!

Roxanne's - 189 Chrystie Street, Manhattan, NY

Don't be late!

- Normani

Lauren stood stiff, staring at the words.

Normani.

The friend from the café that had made her late. The friend from school that was beautiful, but only a friend. That's where Camila was going. To meet Normani at a club. That's what she was hiding.

Lauren was angry.

It was the first feeling that registered inside of her. Hot anger was sprouting purely from her strange and sudden jealousy. Camila was running off to get sexy with some girl, and lied to Lauren's face about it. She just tossed the trust of their relationship-

Relationship?

Lauren swallowed, shaking her head and attempting to calm herself down as she stalked out of the kitchen.

Just because Camila was going out dancing at some club, didn't mean that she was becoming sexually active with someone else. She was completely free to see other people and have a good time, and Lauren knew she needed to get a grip on her budding emotions so that she wouldn't jump to conclusions about Camila's loyalty regarding their arrangement.

However, Lauren was only human. She began to feel hurt...and a little disappointed at the fact that Camila felt as if she couldn't be honest with her, especially when Lauren requested that very thing from Camila from the start.

Am I not enough?

Was this lifestyle not enough for her? Did Camila desire the normality of a relationship with someone else? With this...Normani?

Lauren felt lightheaded.

She had collared Camila. She had claimed Camila as hers, and now she was running off to be with someone else?

When she graced a woman with her claim, with her mark...she made absolute sure that that woman understood whom she belonged to. At all times.

Maybe she had been too lenient with Camila? Maybe Camila didn't understand the concept of their relationship.

Lauren understood that Camila was not her girlfriend, and it was stated explicitly in the contract that that wasn't the nature of their relationship. However...Camila was hers in every other way. Sexually, she belonged to Lauren. Twenty-four seven.

There was something much more serious about the way Camila and Lauren played. Every time Lauren glanced at the diamond collar around Camila's neck, she found herself becoming even more enthralled by who Camila was. In Lauren's eyes, Camila was perfect and the most important thing was that she was Lauren's, willingly. It was the whole beauty of the lifestyle, someone choosing to be yours in such a serious way; there was something magnificent about another person feeling completely and totally satisfied with belonging to you.

When it came to Camila, Lauren was feeling things she'd never felt before. Her body and heart were starting to become full with how much she cared about Camila. Lauren trusted her explicitly and cherished their relationship, more than any other.

So, Lauren couldn't stop herself from feeling angry at the thought of someone else taking Camila and those feelings from her.

Lauren growled, snatching the paper from the metal and feeling her hands start to tremble as she glided up the stairs.

Lauren couldn't believe how hurt and how challenged she felt. She was opposed to the attitude of treating anyone like property, but her body was reacting in a primal way.

Lauren felt like someone was threatening her territory.

And Camila, indirectly, was her territory.

Lauren had marked Camila in places that people could only dream about. It was Lauren who was granted the privilege of watching such a beautiful woman come apart at her mercy over and over again and that was something that she wasn't willing to give up.

Lauren could be overreacting. As a matter of fact, there was no doubt she probably was.

She didn't give a fuck.

Lauren was feeling and she was feeling hard. Everything was causing her to ache at the thought of Camila touching another woman, giving another woman what she had exclaimed to Lauren was hers over and over again...

But was she really even allowed to be angry?

Sure regarding their roles as Dominant and submissive, Camila was so very wrong, and in so much trouble.

But was she really out of line for possibly requesting a real relationship from another woman? Because Lauren had made it very clear that that was not the reason that they were partaking in the arrangement that they had agreed on.

Maybe she got tired of being only Lauren's sexual property.

That stung.

Was that the way Lauren made her feel? Lauren furrowed her eyebrows, suddenly wondering if maybe Camila wasn't only sneaking around to get sexy with Normani. Maybe she was attempting to get close to someone else because she wanted more with Lauren?

That's ridiculous.

Lauren blinked, and took a moment to regain focus, control.

Camila did not misunderstand the guidelines and nature of their relationship when she agreed to the contract and its stipulations. She asked the right questions, she did the research and she knew from the conversations that they were not in a romantic relationship.

So why did she feel the need to get sexy with Normani?

And why did she have to lie about it?

Lauren glanced at the address again as she opened the double doors to her bedroom. Grabbing her phone on her bedside table she called a familiar number.

It picked up on the second ring.

"Hello?"

"What is Roxanne's?"

"Lauren?"

"What is Roxanne's? In Manhattan. Is it a bar? A dance club? A strip club, what?"

Lauren was seething and Charlotte wasn't answering fast enough. Charlie realized quickly that the tone of voice Lauren had taken wasn't one ready to play games and she cleared her throat.

"Roxanne's...um...it's a burlesque bar, Lauren. It kind of turns into a club later but throughout the most of the night there are performances...do you want me to find a certain...performer...or something?"

Lauren raised an eyebrow. "Get me a schedule of tonight's performers."

Charlotte pulled her laptop and starting typing furiously, before glancing at the screen with furrowed eyebrows. "Do you want me to email them...?"

"Read them."

"Um, okay. Tonight on the bill there's only one performer - Normani Kordei. She does a three-hour set every Saturday night; she's one of their dancers. Tonight it says she's treating her audience to a special performance with live music from some of her special guests."

Lauren knew, but she asked anyway, so that at least one question would be answered.

"Who are the guests?"

"Brody something or another and...and Camila Cabello."

That's where she's been all week. Preparing her body. For a performance, that apparently she did not want Lauren at.

It was better than her sleeping with Normani, but it hurt a lot more.

Because Camila went through all this trouble to keep her Lauren at home. Camila comprised Lauren's trust in order to keep Lauren away from her friends, away from her performances. Camila didn't want her there.

Lauren felt like someone had ripped a small piece of her into shreds.

This was a familiar feeling.

Not being invited to places, being made to feel as if she wasn't good enough, as if she wasn't normal enough to be at Camila's performance. More importantly, it was Camila's first performance since her graduation and Lauren had specifically expressed her desire to be there.

But Camila didn't want Lauren there.

It shouldn't be that important. The ache Lauren felt in her chest shouldn't have been so piercing because they weren't in a normal relationship. Camila and Lauren barely even knew each other, yet there was the feeling of not being good enough, again.

Because Camila was the one person Lauren thought really accepted her, she thought that beautiful, reluctant - but open Camila wanted her fully. She thought Camila was comfortable with Lauren and was fully giving herself over to the lifestyle.

Camila was ashamed of Lauren.

So ashamed that despite betraying Lauren's trust, Camila did what she had to do to keep Lauren from coming to her performance.

The only thing Camila had been trying to hide was her.

Lauren didn't feel the tears until they touched her nose.

Lauren didn't stop and take the time to ponder why this unfortunately familiar feeling felt so deeply painful this time. Lauren just wiped at her eyes and cleared her throat.

"Alexa send flowers to the address, I'll text you what I want on the card."

"Lauren...I don't think there's a flower shop open -"

"I don't care about what you think Alexa, you just better fucking find one."

Lauren ended the call and sighed.

She had to move forward despite everything she was feeling.

No matter how hurt and angry she was at Camila's intentions behind her dishonesty, Lauren still had to be in control. Camila disobeyed one of the most important rules Lauren had. She lied. And Lauren needed to get a grip over her emotions and be Camila's Dom first.

"The show must go on." Lauren said evenly to herself, glancing at the crumpled paper in her hands.