Shakespearean - JayTim - Camp NaNoWriMo - July 2017

Chapter 19 - Routine

He couldn't believe he actually did it. He told Clark. There had been a part of him that was telling him not to – not to trust him, not to tell him, not to be vulnerable – but he needed to get it out. He'd spent the last three years festering in the guilt of being free while so many others were still trapped where they were.

Jason understood what people were talking about when they said 'Survivor's Guilt'. That had practically been his whole life ever since he escaped when he was 16. He couldn't stop asking himself why. Why was he free while others weren't? Why did he get to escape while others died trying? Why did he get a second chance? Why did he get to go to college and study something he was passionate about? Why did he get a mentor like Ra's al Ghul who helped him so much without asking anything in return?

Why did Jason get someone as amazing as Tim when every person he left behind got masters and owners, rapists and abusers? Why did he have the freedom to wait to have sex with his boyfriend when so many people were forced to have sex with absolute strangers every day?

Why did he get to move on with his life?

He didn't really. That part of his life would always be with him, and he'd never be able to fully escape it. Part of his mind would always live in the state of 'rebellious slave who would not be broken'. Part of him would always want to fight back against any kind of authority, against anyone who wanted to control him.

He knew why he couldn't hold it in any longer. He knew why it was such a relief to tell Clark, and why it would be even more of a relief when he managed to write his Final and get his story out to the world. Maybe then he wouldn't be the only survivor. Maybe then he wouldn't be the only slave to be free. Maybe then the people who had done so much to hurt him would finally be hurt back.

Who knows? Maybe Jen was still alive. Maybe by telling his story, she would be one of the people to be saved.

It was hard to tell Clark. It would have been hard to tell anyone, but a teacher? Someone who had so much control over his future? It had felt impossible when he wrote his name on that signup sheet. But he'd realized, as he rehearsed what he was going to say and how much detail he really wanted to give, that of all the people to tell, Clark might be one of the best. Of course, Jason wanted to tell Tim. He wanted to tell him so bad. But their relationship was still new, and Jason didn't want to scare him off.

Clark, though... He'd somehow managed to earn Jason's respect throughout the first few weeks of class. And hearing him talk about all the issues in the world, hearing him talk about 'old-fashioned notions' and 'the world is bigger than you are' and growing up in a small town and wanting to change the world- somehow he knew that Clark wouldn't betray him. Clark would care. Jason hadn't felt that certainty in a while – if ever – and he wanted to trust that feeling. He wanted to take a step toward healing and recovering from the awful things that had happened to him.

Because he related to Toha. He knew what it was to be abused. He knew what it was to have his body sold like goods at a supermarket. He knew the feeling of being abandoned by the woman who was supposed to protect you, and he knew the feeling of being hurt over and over again and not having the power to stop it. Jason had had days where he was raped by more than just 9 different 'customers' a day. He'd also had days where one person rented him out for a week of torture disguised as sex. He'd had men and women alike treat him like a toy for their pleasure, and he'd seen it happen to people younger than him. The youngest he'd seen was just four years old, and Jason didn't doubt that there was another four year old out there right now, being taken, being sold, being used for the first time and counting the seconds until it was over. Except it would never be over.