Chasing The Throne

Ch| 20

I'll teach you to fly
Before you fall away
..............

Lana

    I've never seen myself as a fighter, in terms of trials and tribulations. I've always seen myself as a fake. Going through the motions of not being bothered or phased but every action I have taken has led me to this exact moment.

"What is the value of life and death"

I've been asking myself this question aloud for the past ten minutes as I struggle to keep my balance on this ledge. I keep placing the "and" in there to remind myself that they go hand in hand. I've been living a lie, so I suppose it's safe to say I haven't been living at all. Who am I to say I am ready to die, if I never took the time to live?

"She's losing blood! Either we save them or we save her...."  the doctor trailed off as silent, but understood glances were shared around the room.

"Sa... save them, please" not even recognizing my own voice I attempted to speak louder, finding my sound trapped under the presence of  a clear oxygen mask.

"Sedate her" were the last words I heard before everything went dark.

............

I woke up with a painfully dry mouth. My skin, which normally held a smooth brown glow, was pale and lifeless in comparison. Shifting uncomfortably I unsuccessfully blinked my eyes several times, before finally opening them to a brightly lit room.

"Great, you're awake. Would you like something to drink Ms. Harris?" A man in a long white medical coat asked me as he begin to pour some water from a pitcher into a flimsy cup.

Opening my mouth, I attempted to answer "yes" but was only able to make a sound similar to "mmhh". As he passed me the cup, I brought it to my lips and finally allowed the liquid to bring relief to my once dry mouth.

"Okay Ms. Harris it has been...." he paused as he flipped through some papers on his clip board. "Ah, it has been three weeks and five days since you were first brought in for treatment, and you have been unconscious for three weeks and three days. Do you remember me? I am Dr. Nuevo".

That's almost a month. I've been in a coma for this long? The shooting must've been way worse than I thought. Clearing my throat, I attempted to speak again. "Can I please see my children? I would like to name them now".

Shifting uncomfortably, Dr. Nuevo took a seat on the end of my bed. "Lana....we had to make a choice that would be beneficial to everyone".

Nodding in understanding, I lightly sighed before looking back up at him. "Yea, I don't know why I thought you would wait for me to wake up to name them. That's too long to wait for birth certificates and all of that. So what name did you co-"

"No, listen to me. We had to make a choice between your life and the life....the life of your twins".

"Right, okay. So how did you figure out a way to save us both?" I asked as I sat up further in my bed.

"We didn't....we chose you"

Ripping the AV from my arm and snatching the covers from the bed, I stood up in my flimsy hospital gown. "What the fuck do you mean you chose me? You killed my babies? You're supposed to save people! You're supposed to fucking help!" I yelled as I used my fists to pound on the Dr's chest.

"We did the best we coul..... I'm so sorry, you were the patient. My job was to help you ma'am". Taking my hits, he wrapped his arms around me as I sobbed and screamed until a number of workers rushed into the spacious room, injecting me in my left arm.

"You took away my only piece of him" I cried as I felt my body calming down. "You should've taken me".

Once again I found myself fading to darkness.

I had grown to find comfort in that darkness. There was something so fond about not knowing. Not being able to see and not feeling. I could create my own utopia in the darkness, because there was no light there to show me the nothingness that I knew awaited me. In my darkness I had my son, my daughter and the love of my life. In my darkness I was alive, happy, free and in love.

Now the only thing I knew was hurt. How to hurt others and how to be hurt. Thinking back on Ricky's words I felt myself releasing all of the animosity, all of the hurt and sadness that I held locked inside of me over the past two years.

"What is the value of life and death" I said once again, in a shaky voice that I had come to recognize as my own.

"It's not up to us to choose that value", his voice startled me causing me to momentarily lose my balance on the ledge. "Hey....hey," he called out to me as he made his way closer to me, reaching his arm out, to where it was within centimeters of grazing my skin.

Regaining my balance, I stared at the man that I knew I loved so deeply, like everything else in my life, I was holding it in and once again I felt the need to find release, to let go.

"You know I love you right?" I asked as I lightly laughed aloud. "I think that I will always love you, you changed my mindset. You made me stronger, made me better.....but I'm still broken at the core. I still have a lot of hurt that I need to let go of" I whispered.

"Then let go .... let go Lana, but come to me. Let us work on you together." He spoke shakily as he stepped closer to me, our fingertips now touching.

"I've figured it out" I said as softly as I could.

He didn't say it back

Taking a step forward, I finally let go.