HUMAN

Chapter Eighteen

Killing Me - Luke Sital-Singh

***

Kirstie was laying in bed, staring intently at the ceiling. The anxiety that had been spreading throughout her being made it nearly impossible to have a normal conversation with the others. Worse than that, she wasn't sure if she was ready to tell anyone about what was going on. She decided to just tell the others that she would be going to bed early, hopefully they wouldn't suspect anything. They all wanted to have a late night, sipping on beer, and snacking on pretzels; pretending as if they didn't have a care in the world. They pulled out a game of Twister and were being quite a rowdy bunch of survivors. Mitch was winning and his enthusiasm could not be suppressed. The living room was full of cheers, screams, and laughter. But in Kirstie's room, all alone, she was lost in her own mind, consumed by her own thoughts.

How do I know, like really KNOW, when it's over? When is the right time to move on? When am I supposed to feel ok with giving up on loving him faithfully, on the slight chance that he's still alive out there? CAN I still love him faithfully, but also move on? What exactly AM I supposed to be feeling right now? Is there a guidebook for post-apocalyptic relationships, because I NEED that shit. Because ALLI feel is guilt, guilt that I'm disrespecting him, guilt that I've moved on too fast. I mean, just a few months ago, Jeremy and I were planning our wedding. He was being so good about it too, the perfect fiancé. He let me make a majority of the plans, but he knew when I was getting overwhelmed and he needed to take the reigns. It was such a great balance. We had our fights of course, he got jealous way too damn easy... which is another reason I should feel guilty. He would hate my being with HIM specifically... Avi and I always had a certain chemistry that Jeremy HATED to see. He didn't even want to go to functions with the band because he'd have to be around Avi...... Avi, Avi. Ugh, His smile. His eyes. God, those eyes. Every time I see him I feel butterflies, something I haven't felt in a long time. He IS a great guy and it's really nice to not be constantly so sad and lonely. Waking up with him, that was almost magical. I could see a future with him. I wouldn't want to see a future without him. Jeremy could be jealous, but he was not selfish... certainly not selfish enough to want me to be alone forever, sad forever. He would want me to be happy, to have more to live for, survive for, to find love again. I have to believe that because I don't want to feel guilty... and I definitely don't want to feel alone.

She remembered a time when she and Jeremy were watching P.S. I Love You. It was a Valentine's Day tradition to cuddle and watch a romantic movie together. Of course, it was accompanied with wine, cheese, and chocolate. He always got the same box of Lindt chocolates, because they had a couple of his favorite caramel chews. She always left those ones alone or else he might've broken down entirely on the spot. Words that were said that night have been echoing in her mind lately, like a record on loop. In case you haven't seen it, the premise of the film is a woman dealing with the death of the love of her life. Kirstie was remembering a scene in the movie when *spoiler alert* the protagonist was at Yankee Stadium. She had a letter from her deceased partner, encouraging her to move on. On that Valentine's Day, several years ago, this scene had both of them in tears. They both agreed with him. It was the right thing to do, but they didn't actually think they would ever have to take those words seriously. They thought they would grow old together. Was that brief exchange enough of a reason to believe that this budding relationship would be ok? Could she live happily without him, but still love him in his absence? 

She didn't hear Mitch enter the room. He spoke softly, unsure if she was sleeping. 

"Are you awake, Kirstie?"

She craned her neck to look up at his silhouette in the doorway. 

"Yeah, unfortunately. Why? What do you need?"