Introvert

12

'most people are perfectly afraid of silence' ~ E.E Cummings

||Shyanna||

My deepest fear is not that I am hopeless, but that I am not. My fear is that I am so powerful, so strong and so gracious, that doing nothing makes me an awful human. I struggle with anger and helplessness, and an inner fear of not doing good enough, but my strongest fear is that I am too good. That what I am doing is not all I am capable of. Both fears are, in equal measure, terrifying.

But the scariest thing in the world, even more than my true fear, is the thought of existence. Not existing like we do nowm with stumbles and trips and plummeting falls that race through veins and make your adrenalin surge, but existence where you do nothing. Where there are no trips, stumbles or plummeting falls, because everything you do is inconsequential. And the only way to change that? To make a difference. To touch one life with your own. To fall so hard it hurts, to crush your bones with hugs, to stumble not just over a crack in the pavement, but a void. A swirling abyss that pulls and sucks and kills. You must do everything in your power to dance over the abyss, to yell to the monsters inside of you that it is enough, that whilst you are broken, you are not irreparable. 

One of my favourite poets, E.E Cummings, stated one day 'Your head is a living forest full of songbirds'. It is. We are so alive, so brilliant, but sometimes the noises drown it out. The noises burn it away. The noises, the yells. They all interrupt the silence we all crave. We all crave silence, subconsciously most commonly, but for some of us, we seek it much more outwardly.

Silence is part of us. When the songbirds fall silent, we say we're depressed. That's not true. When the birds fall silent, we are on recovery. The birds fall silent to allow our noise to break through. Sometimes the noise is an angry yell. Sometimes it's the sound of sobbing. And sometimes, it's the sound of your heart beating harder because the person you love is near you.

For some, the last sound comes easier. I know of two people who love so fiercely and so wonderfully they have to hide away. They have to love each other in silence, because there is no other way to do it. Their songbirds are silent, because they're scared. But I know how to help them get the noise back. They've helped me too many times. The debt shan't go unpaid.

So as I walk towards the place I stand most breaktimes; under a tree surrounded by grass and hopping bugs, I know that today will be the day I do something. I will talk to Niall, and I will comfort Kristy and Anna, and I will talk away my problems. Because the songbirds are too quiet, and the only sound is my agonized yelling as my own monsters come to hurt me.

I stand stock still when I reach the tree, letting the sounds drift around me, soaking them in. The thought of how vast this world is startles me, suddenly, and I am shocked to remember that we are so small. We are so small, and so hopeless, but we aren't. Because we avoid it at all costs. The moves I am making today, to embrace more people with my body and soul, it only means I'm getting closer to being recovered. Not totally. But almost, teetering on the edge. I can make it.

"Shyanna!" Kristy calls, as she peers her head around the corner with a grin. I roll my eyes at her before engulfing her in a tight grip. She squeaks tinily, a tiny sound that makes my heart ache in my chest. I love her so much, this girl who makes me feel like I'm worth something. But it is nothing, nothing compared to how much Anna loves her.

"Kristeh." I caw, and she giggles loftily.

"Anna!" She yells, suddenly, after pushing me away. I blink at the yell, and watch as they both hug, tight, and blush bright pink when I cock my head to smile. Freakin' cuties, these two.

The pair begin chatting about something someone had said in tutor, and whilst I listen, I know deep inside I am not. I'm waiting to make my voice known, to say something out there. To say something and have them know I love them, because I truly do. And, suddenly, that chance becomes apparent. Because they're talking about difference.