Eyecatching Title (4)

Vent

Recently, I've started to break. Not physically but more mentally and emotionally. I started getting back into the crying at night habit, and now ashamed to say, I've started hurting myself again. It's not too serious but I give my self one cut every night so it's not so noticeable at the beginning.
I've been so far down the hole of despair that even when I try to be positive, the question comes to mind. What's going to be the answer to this suffering? More suffering? Or happiness?
No, the answer was neither more suffering nor happiness. While venting through drawing, I started to write. And one of the things I had written was, "I guess suicide was the only answer." I'm not scared of dying anymore. If nobody stopped me, I could walk in front of a speeding car and die.
I'm tired of hearing the words "I'm here for you." Or "I'm sorry." When I need someone, nobody is there. Why are you apologizing, that you gave up trying to help me?
I'm a waste of time, and air. So why not get rid of the leak in the supply, me.
Dad is so close to hitting me, he hates me.
So much.

If I was to die, the stars wouldn't move, the sky wouldn't fall, so nothing changes, you won't miss me at all.
You'll find someone who has my humor but not my thoughts, you'll forget me because you love them a lot.
I've already forgotten my friends and who I was.
Forget me goddamnit, it could make the pain of losing me ease.
I've been so far down that I can't get back up, not even someone with wings could bring me back.

I guess I have to wait for the right time to give in and leave a note to where I'm going, going to die.
"You have so much to live for. Think of your future."
I don't know what to live for anymore, and my future,
I don't have one.
It's always going to be the same thing everyday, and it's never going to change.
Don't you think it could drive someone mad?

If I push everyone away, nobody can help ease the pain.
If I let everyone in, I could have just let someone mess with head even more until I couldn't handle it.
Either way, there is nothing left.

"You're really messed up in the head aren't you?" Yeah I am.
Maybe it's too late to fix it.