Being alone isn't terrible. It only becomes a heavy burden when you begin to lose your mind. Your mental stability begins to cripple in delirious thoughts because of its manipulative nature. It is the only thing preventing, yet is also leading you towards insanity. You deprive yourself of social interactions knowing that being alone only pushes yourself to have a mutual understanding with isolation. Being alone is there to help you realize that you only know yourself best.
That's exactly how I felt. I felt like a lost puppy in the streets- no one willing to spare me a glance. They don't notice the excruciating complexity of not having anyone but yourself to rely on emotionally.
My dark blonde hair was now tangled into wet brown locks around my shoulders. The dripping water from my hair rolled onto my shoulders like a small stream. Sighing deeply, I covered my eyes with the palms of my eyes.
Standing up, I walked back towards the restroom mirror. I remember staring at my reflection for what seemed ages. Studying my facial complexion, my tiered sandy brown eyes began to trail down to my hourglass figure. I didn't have a big bust nor an eye-catching bottom like those attractive women on magazines. Instead, it was my tall frame and curvy figure that would be enhanced in skin-tight clothing.
I'd stare at myself, pick at all my insecurities and then sugar coat all of my positive physical traits. I'd feel satisfied with my body image, my confidence would be restored. Body image was what would boost my self-esteem and it was comforting. It was comforting because realistically, I just wanted to feel better about the whole situation. I wanted to believe that my life held some kind of value regardless if it were physical or not. It was like trying to accept and reassure myself that everything would be fine. That nothing in the world would spark doubts and that it wouldn't devalue my existence.
Walking away, I remember glimpsing one more time before I changed into an ugly oversized sweater and gray sweatpants.
Ring... Ring... Ring...
Briefly looking at the screen on my phone, an image of my father popped on. Debating whether or not to answer, I let it ring a few more times.
"Hello?"
After a few seconds, he answered. "How are you doing?"
"I'm doing alright. The usual." I vaguely said.
"That's great. I'll call back another time."
"Bye." I hung up the cell phone.
He was a great father. He still is I suppose. My father, a wealthy CEO, pays for my living expenses, including my apartment. The only thing between us is our distant relationship as a father and daughter. Our relationship is as distant as the Pacific ocean and our conversations are dry as Death Valley. We rarely have a deep conversation or really know each other honestly. It's like walking by a patch of green grass growing through the cracks of a sidewalk on a daily basis. It's there but it's never noticed.
But I'm sure it has more to do with my mother than anything else. There has to be a reason why he never introduced me to his side of the family. There has to be a reason why he keeps me at a distance. There has to be a reason why he keeps me hidden from the public eye.
Having enough of dealing with Ira and my dad, my fingers began to play with themselves. My body wouldn't sit still, I decided to take a walk around the city in an attempt to calm my nerves. The crowded city began to feel alive as the city streets shone brightly with neon lights. The sun was setting with only a ray of orange light shining and the dark night sky began to twinkle. Three blocks away, there was a line of people waiting for night to fall. This was where the open air markets would begin to open their stands and charge a small fee at the entrance. The nostalgic music, mouth-watering food, and refreshments made me have this reminiscing feeling of the past. It reminded me of home. Not the current apartment, but it felt as if this were where I was from. It was like finding a glove that was a perfect match, it fits in all the right places. I fit right in. Pure bliss wrapped in love, that's how I remember the open air market.
आप पढ़ रहे हैं
Catching Feelings
रोमांस"This is my story and if no one is going to say it, I might as well write it to you; You don't want to be different. You just want to be you. You want to breathe. You want to be free but you're tied down to this awful curse. One touch, that's all it...
