Catching Feelings

Memorandum 10

When I first started to get to know you, I realized how I gave you the gift of appreciation. Appreciation for every living being in the world and life is a step that people place value in. But you were so distant from my reality that the gleam in your eyes dimmed. Those dark dimmed chocolate orbs were the only color in your eyes that drowned me in a pool of regret. Regret for not being able to liberate you from the demise that circles you.

In the beginning, you were disconnected from society, you wanted nothing to do with them, including me.

I was working at the restaurant on a Friday afternoon. The day had gotten colder, it wasn't raining like the past few days, instead, the night sky was covered by a thick gray cloud. The crisp air outside was frigid with light white specks falling gently from the sky.

Glancing at my wristwatch, the clock read 8:45 p.m. Impatiently, I waited until I was officially off work because I wanted to leave before the weather had gotten worse. I didn't want to arrive with soaked shoes to the apartment. I didn't want my freezing cold feet to feel numb. I didn't want to miss the bus because of the limited time I had to reach the bus stop. 

The heavy breathing I exhaled, the tip of my blushed rosy nose, and the rush of blood streaming into my veins began to secrete small doses of adrenaline. I could just feel it. I could feel the air whistling in my ear as I ran. It was an amazing thrill that my limbs would stretch faster than the step before. My foggy glasses began to feel so blurred- I couldn't tell what was right in front of me.

"You should watch where you're going."

I turned my head, looking for the source of your voice until I felt a rough black fabric jab my face harshly. The impact knocked my circle-rimmed glasses across the floor. Staggering backward, the palms of my hands roughly hit the soft layer of snowflakes on the gravel floor.

"Ow!" I grabbed the left side of my cheek and tried to apply pressure to alleviate it. Knowing it was my mistake I apologized, "I'm sorry, I couldn't properly see."

"Really?" A mocking voice began to speak, "Well maybe you should buy a new pair of glasses!"

"She apologized already. A cabee shouldn't wait for her to come running towards you just so you could hit her with your elbow. Move out of the way. It's what a person with common sense would do." It was your voice. The intense and heavy words coming from your mouth were undeniably commanding.

"Says who? What would a scrawny looking guy like you do?"

"So? What does that have to do with anything? Stop trying to pick a fight over something you clearly could have avoided."

I looked down trying to find my glasses only to find them safe and intact together. Relief washed over me, "Ira let's go."

Your dark chocolate eyes landed on me as we began to walk towards the bus stop. Ever since you found me in an awful state with my burning fever at my apartment, you have been walking me to work and home.

I knew you were disconnected from society because you fought with others. In your dark chocolate eyes, you were holding back the urge to disregard it all. You really just felt indifferent. You didn't strike me as a man who would courageously defend others in need either. As odd as it seemed, your confidence never plummeted. In reality, you didn't care for anyone. You were the man who would always sit back and observe others while two people tried to resolve their problems. But you were an opinionated man too, you were never ashamed to tell others what you believed either.

"Thank you," I said softly while applying pressure on my cheek.

You looked away from me. "No worries."

The bus was slowly approaching us as it got closer to the sidewalk until you began to speak again. "It wouldn't have made a difference."

"What?"

Glancing at my me with your dark eyes you said, " It wouldn't have mattered."

I furrowed my eyebrows together. "Why?"

"Because in the end, everyone has the same ending."

"Dying? They die? Tell me, I am dying to know."

Walking into the bus, you explained, " People's lives are too short. They end in a blink of an eye."

"How many pets have you had?" I asked.

"Nine, they were all dogs one after another."

"Wow. You must have a hard time raising pets, right?"

"No, they died of old age."

Your answers were odd. Bizzare because that was a huge amount of pets, and for them to die of old age didn't add up. Ignoring the thought, I tried to change the subject. "Why not own a tortoise? I heard they live for about 150  years." 

"Maybe." You shrugged your shoulders as if you were disregarding that idea.

"Listen life comes and goes, but you'll never experience living and breathing in that exact same moment."

"What's the use if they'll die anyways, mate? Might as well not get to know anyone"

"Everyone is changing and progressing for a new tomorrow. Isn't there a thrill knowing that everyone is evolving?"

You dug your hands into your pocket. "Yip everyone but me." 

"Yeah but you are often placed in different circumstances. Even you change your mindset after a few passing years. Think of the seventies and the current now. They contrast and society is always changing their perspective of life whether they are caused by environmental, economic, or political issues."

You turned your head away as we sat down in the crowded bus. "I suppose."

I briefly heard you mutter something else, but the chattering of people within the bus filled the air and I couldn't understand.