Catching Feelings

Memorandum 20

"No, I am being honest," I admitted it was because of your good looks.

"You aren't listening. I look good in anything to you because of this face. "

Speechless, I looked through my circle-rimmed glasses and couldn't break eye contact with you.

You tilted your head to the side in a demanding manner. Your eyes were challenging me. They were daring me to resist your words. "Win? Lose? Who cares becasue at the end of the day, who still has this face? Me. So, who is the real winner and who is the real loser? You have to find your own interpretation of ideal standards that determine someone's attractiveness to have an identity. Both your standards and mine are completely different. After a while, it doesn't matter. You like what you like and there isn't anyone stopping you. Society and the opinions others don't matter anymore because they don't influence your idea of what is considered attractive. " 

"You're really confident. " I muttered, "I guess self-confidence is the new self-consciousness."

You clicked your tongue and my vision began to blur.

"Wait, my glasses!"

With your arm holding my right shoulder you asked, "Do you see anything or anyone around you staring?"

"No. I can't see a thing. "

"How about now?" You placed my glasses on the bridge of my nose.

"I can see perfectly."

"That's how people's opinions should be. Only care about your opinion and not the others." Your unfazed expression had lost all of its warmth in your dark eyes.

Like the air, you were there but nothing had changed. You flowed like the air, I needed you to fill my lungs and breathe. I needed you to live. 

Perhaps I was becoming dependent on you, but there were times where you left me winded. 

It was frightening knowing you had that amount of control over me. One second you'd leave me stunned by your actions and the other you'd surprise me when I least expect it. You were slowly becoming my air.

And it saddens me to know that no matter how much I tried to catch up to you, I could never grasp you- just like air. 

Still, I wanted to be with you. 

"Hey, let's go eat pizza?" I suggested.

"Sure, I wouldn't mind." You shrugged your shoulders and kept walking until we reached the end and turned the corner. A neon sign with the bright red letters pizza blinked every 10 seconds. 

It was a shop where eight-inch pizza could be customized to our own desire. 

"Don't worry you can have a piece of mine too." You spoke up as my eyes skimmed all of the toppings. 

I bit the inside of my lip hesitantly, "thank you, but I just want a pizza you."

I noticed your dark eyes melt like chocolate. The corner of your lip twisted upward for a second. "What a weird dough."

This was our first real date. In my head, I considered it our first date. I wanted to lace our fingers together and be like a normal couple. But I was sure that this wasn't the reason why you invited me. 

"Ira, why are we here?"

You bit into your pizza as if cheese were a never-ending string. It was like bubble gum being stretched but nice hot steam would rise from it.

"I need to check on my company."

"That's cool. What kind of company is it?"

"A bakery."

My hands clapped silently in excitement."Oh, wow. I'd love to try some!"

"I'm sure you have already," you said.

"Really?"

The door swung open like a gentle wave as the cold night air swept in.

"Hey, grandad." A honey-sweet voice filled the pizza parlor.

"Hello, Darcy," you said.

Your dark eyes held a tender gentleness when you saw her.  It was different than the way you looked at me when we would spend our time together.

Distracting myself with the pizza, my skin crawled as if there were a trail of ants walking from head to toe. 

Catching your gaze the instant I looked towards your direction, you pressed your lips inward. You wanted to bite your lips but you were really anxious. The way your hands fumbled with the collar of your long sleeve could be missed. 

She sat beside you as if you were a stuffed animal. There was no space between you and her. I could have mistaken you as a couple because of how glued you two were.

I let my eyes wander and gaze out the window.

What was I doing?

This wasn't like me. I'm a real idiot to be sitting here and to think that maybe something would happen between us. 

No excuses, I was the one who went along with all of your words Ira. 

I twirled the end of my hair like rolling a  piece of yarn. My eyes reflected a tired and lifeless soul waiting for joy.