Mon Chou

Learning to live again

I closed the book after reading that final page and wiped away a tear from my eye. Every word of this journal meant so much to me. I hugged it close to my heart and pulled his hoodie over my head. I knew that he wouldn’t want me to waste away in my room and let my life slip away. He wouldn’t want me to be depressed. He would want me to go on with my life. I will never forget him. My mom knocked gently on my door before coming in. “Hey, Hun. You want to talk?” she asked me.

            I sat in silence for a minute, gathering all of my thoughts. “I saw him, Mom. I saw him and he proposed to me. That’s why I ran downstairs. I wanted to share the news with you,” I recalled. “It was so real. I don’t get it, mom.”

            She pulled me in for a hug and said to me, “Aw, baby. I think you had a hallucination. Your tumor might be back.” This was just too much to handle for one day. She told me that she would schedule an appointment with my neurologist and left my room. I finally was able to fall asleep. The next morning, the day before graduation, I woke up feeling very refreshed. I took a shower and got dressed. Breakfast was waiting for me downstairs. My whole family had kind of been tip-toeing around me lately so nobody wanted to wake me up, especially since they probably figured that sleep was pretty rare for me lately. My mom had made an agreement with the school that I can graduate and walk with everyone else as long as I took my exams sometime before graduation day since with my grades, whether I passed or failed the exam, I would pass the class. So, I ate my breakfast and went to the school. After I finished my exams, I decided to go to the Davidson’s house. When I pulled into the driveway, I immediately began questioning whether I should have come here or not. About 5 minutes later, I managed to the strength to get out of the car and walk through the door. I had been here enough times to not need to knock on the doors anymore.

            “Mrs. Davidson?” I called out. “Are you home?”

            She called out from upstairs, “I’m up here deary. Come on up.”

            I went upstairs and found her in Rhiley’s room. She was lying on his bed, holding onto his pillow. She held the pillow up to her face. At first, I thought that she was just staring very closely at it but then I realized that she had been smelling it. His scent. It was so distinct. Just thinking about it brings it up through my nose as if I were hugging him closely.

            “I miss the way he smelled too,” I told her. “I miss his inviting smile and his hearty laugh. I miss the way that he could brighten up anyone’s day and how he automatically knew if you were hurt. I miss his hugs and kisses. I miss the way his hands felt around mine. I miss his witty comments and the way he would rub his fingers together when he was nervous. I miss the way when he was frustrated, he would wrinkle up his eyebrows and frown. I miss the way he would look deeply into my eyes as if he were holding a conversation with my soul. I miss the way he had to chew every bite at least ten times before swallowing any food and how he never drank anything out of a cup without a straw. I miss every little thing about him. But there is nothing we can do about it but pick up the little pieces of ourselves that we can find and glue them back together. It will take some time, but we can do it, for him.” She looked up at me with a look that was like I had said exactly what she needed. That was when I knew that everything would be alright.