What color is your ribbon?

Chapter 11 "another one opens"

I only got 12 hours of sleep last night, I don't know if I can function to the bare minimum required. I have to wake up around 7am on infusion days, they take up most of the day and I don't like having to stay overnight if I can help it, which is about 50% of the time. I wonder if I can sneak into Jakes infusion room. The last time we made out at the hospital, I was the patient while he was the 'visitor', but today both of us will be the patient. I looked at my phone after I was ready.

*I'm just about to leave my house. Ready in 10?*
*Yep:-)*
*Incubator*
*Incubator?????*
*Um auto correct technical difficulties*
*Lol what were you trying to say?*
*c I later*

*Dammit see YOU later*
*There ya go*
*Gtg texting and driving is bad.*

I almost texted back that sex is bad too, but then I thought eh, better not. It's not like I don't want to with him, I do, but when the time is right. No death, or sickness, or fights for a year.Thats just 365 days in hell right? I'm dreaming for a lot right now but I feel like I owe that to myself.
I emerged from my bedroom and waited on the front steps for Jake. I just had my bag with my big stuffed dog and my phone and stuff. My golden retriever stuffed dog has been at all of my infusions since day one. My mom took me to the store and asked me what I would want if I had to spend a lot of time in the hospital. I picked out the stuffed animal and on the way home, my mom told me that I was going to have to get infusions. Some days i think I should have picked an iPad or laptop. However I really don't regret that childish decision. I named it Doggie, it represents both happiness and sadness. But then again, what doesn't?
Jakes blue car pulled up so I slowly stood up and began to walk over. Normally Jake comes out and either helps me or opens the door. Sometimes both. I creeped into the car sitting butt first then I swung my legs in.
"You feeling okay?' I asked him holding his hand.
"I'm fine."
"That is total bull shit, you're not fine don't lie." I responded, trying to be sweet but also real.
"I'm fine, just tired." He responded wincing in pain.
"Are you okay to drive?" I asked, not really knowing what answer I wanted to hear.
"I'm good, let's go." He released my hand and backed out of the driveway.
"I'm fine just tired" is the biggest most bull shity thing you can say. I went on my online schools class trip to a camp ground for a night. The whole time the people who I thought were my friends excluded me and I wasn't even in their cabin at all. I moped around depressed all trip. I'll always remember the conversation I had with one of the counselors.
FLASHBACK
I was feeling really depressed. I glared over at my group of people who I thought were my friends. They were laughing and taking pictures without me. Alone was I placed on a rock as a single tear ran down my face. No one was there to wipe it away. No one was there to squeeze the remorse from my body. I glanced down and pretended to be intrigued by something on the ground, in an attempt to avoid the counselor who was approaching me.
"You okay?" Adria asked me. I forced a smile before responding.
"Yeah I'm fine, just tired." I'm afraid if I make eye contact ill ball my eyes out.
"Okay just making sure. You're a little hard to read sometimes." Then she turned around and left me, like everyone else did.
Those words I knew right them and there would both taunt and support me thru the remainder of my life. Regardless of how long or short that may be. Do I want to be read like a fricking book?
FLASHBACK ENDS
This car ride was different, we didn't talk much. This was the first time I think that I've seen Jake effected by his illness. Not that he isn't 24/7 but normally around me he tries to be normal. I appreciate that but I'm accustomed to seeing past spoken words.
We pulled up into the hospital parking lot. It's really nice to have handicap spots available, after we parked, this time I got a wheel chair for Jake. He didn't oppose, or say anything really. It was nice to have a little control in our relationship, also letting Jake be cared for, instead him always caring for me.
Once we got to the infusion center check in, Jake stood up with a blank stare.
"Jake and Emma for short stay." He said to the man at the desk.
"Okay, I'll have Libby take you back there." The man said pointing to nurse Libby.
"So it's you two again." She said pressing a code into the keypad, opening the door. "Emma you're in room 7, Jake in 8."
I gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "Text me once you're hooked up." I said going into my room, his was right next door.
I plopped my things down and immediately took out my doggie and laid down.
"How is your port feeling? Any scar tissue or discomfort?" Libby said pressing two fingers along the edges on my port. I winced a little bit. It didn't really hurt in my mind but my body shows mercy.
"Before I start the infusion, I'm just going to inject some steroids to help with the pain in your port okay?" I nodded, closing my eyes. She took out the alcohol wipes. With a wiff of that I felt like throwing up. My mind associates chemo with alcohol wipes and my stomach isn't very grateful to chemo.
I felt a sharp stabbing pain and opened my eyes. There was a needle in my port. I breathed out a sigh of relief.
"Better?" My nurse asked, and I just nodded. Then she inserted what looked like a pushpin into my port. In came some white liquid that was part of my premeds. Then my infusion machine was plugged in and the timer set. This one was going to take eight hours. The time elapse was increased a lot to help prevent any side effects.
I decided to wait an hour before I texted Jake. I know his IVs don't always start right away. I was about to text him when my phone vibrated.