Childfree - A handbook for the curious

Everbody's A Critic

At thirty-nine years of age and fifteen years of marriage, it is not strange for people I meet to ask,

"How many kids do you have?" to which I politely reply "I don't have any kids."

My response is usually met with looks of sympathy, shock, disbelief and even incredulous gasps of "why?". People with children seem to think such a choice is unfathomable, so I understand their reactions to my response, especially since I have grown accustomed to their reactions. Sometimes I am amused because I know how they may react when I answer; other times, I find their responses to be an imposition as I wonder what gives them the right. For the most part I have learned how to deal with these encounters, but sometimes they can get to you.

These are the top reactions I have received over the years, because when asked I always answer honestly- that we do not want kids.

No! You will change your mind!

As in any culture, when a couple begins dating, questions are asked when are they getting engaged; when they are engaged it is asked when are they getting married; and when they are married it is asked when are they having kids. When you're married at twenty-five, anyone on the outside looking in would naturally think that children is next on your list. In my culture, marriage is often skipped and couples go straight from being a couple to having children. Is it planned? That's a question for them, because I live by the code to each his own. If only others could see it that way, it would nice sometimes.

As newly-weds we probably got a six month break before, people started asking questions. At first it would take the form of joking comments, then as time went on it became pointed questions by friends and family members. As always we reply to questions honestly, and after the shock in people's eyes pass, they tried to convince us that we would change our minds. One memorable comment that I have received over the years was that my biological clock would kick in eventually and that I would change my mind. To date I am still waiting for that to happen.

What's wrong with you?

The looks of pity I've learned are from those that think that medically something is wrong that's why my husband and I have no children. It has to be right? For the record, I am medically fit and my husband's sperm count is fine. In my culture, apparently no children equals you are barren. A term which I am not particularly fond of. If you want kids, and you can't have them biologically, there is a myriad of options available, especially in society today. These people I am sure always walk away believing that I am lying. Others see our status as a reflection of my husband's sexual prowess. We have actually had people comment jokingly if he was "shooting blanks".

For others if we are not physically unable then, we must be mentally ill for thinking that way, because "normal" people do not say they do not want children, especially out loud.

What if your mother felt that way?

This is the question I face by those trying to make me feel guilty about my choice not to have children. If she did then I would never had been born, simple as that. Her choice to have children was simply 'her choice' and one thing I am always grateful for is the fact that my mother respects my choice. She may not agree with it, but she understands. My mother-in-law however had- and continues to have- a hard time hearing it. I am positive that she continues to pray that we will change our minds before it's too late. If you choose not to have kids, this will be one of the toughest arguments you will face, but at the end of the day remember the choice is still yours, no matter the decision you make, you have to live with it.

As humans beings we have a responsibility to procreate, and contrary to my personal choices, I respect that fact. However, I have also seen my fair share of people procreate who I can only conclude should never have. This makes me ask the question, if I should have kids just because I was biologically meant to? I do not believe so, thus I choose not to. To me it is not enough of a reason and the choice I have made remains something that I will have to answer only to my maker for.

Why????

The most frequent question we face is, why? To which I sarcastically reply, why not? I find people with kids to be the most contradictory beings. With one breathe they tell you they are so frustrated, overwhelmed and exhausted with their kids and in the next breathe they say it is the most amazing thing in the world. For them I say kudos, that they can see the merits in their hard work and beliefs, however it is not for everyone. One thing I am sure about is that not everyone is as honest as they purport to be, ask your friends with kids, if they could do over if they would and watch some of them squirm.

People who ask why, usually can't wrap their minds around why someone would make such a choice. If you feel comfortable enough with the person asking, feel free to tell them your reasons why. Your reasons are your own and for some it may be deeply personal, so how you respond is up to you. However, know that you will be asked and be secure enough in your choice that if and when asked you do not let it get to you. People will always remain people and as sure as the sun rises they think it is their job to lead you on what consider the "right path".

أ���z