Drifting || Yoonkook

9

Just like any other evening all the members were gathered around the dinner table, eating something that Seokjin had mixed together. 

Yoongi as always just stared down at his food as if it was insulting his whole existence. He pushed the food around the plate, bit by bit spreading it out around the porcelain to make it seem as if he had eaten most of it while the truth was that he had barely eaten three or four bites of it. 

He hated the way he felt after eating too much. 

Bloated.

Fat.

Just all in all disgusting. 

Nothing even tasted good anymore more like tasteless gray matter than anything else. Yoongi can't even remember the last time he really enjoyed eating something. Maybe it was the last dinner date he had with Changwook. 

Or that one time when they had just lazed around the older's apartment and had eaten some Pizza while watching their favourite series of that time.

Yoongi just knew that it had been a fucking long time.

"Yoongi? Don't you like what I have cooked? Do you need more salt or anything?" Jin looked at him with a questioning gaze-

"Oh erm no I ....it's just that ...I'm not that hungry at the moment hyung. I will take something with me when I will go to the studio." He tried to reassure the older while forcing a gentle smile on his lips that hopefully looked more convincing than it actually felt like.

He could feel the other examining his expression for a few seconds until he finally nodded and let it go. 

All seven of them just sat there in silence munching on the food. It was the awkward kind of silence and at some point just too much to bear. 

Suddenly though the silence got broken by a coughing sound. It was Namjoon. He looked at all of them while for a few seconds he just opened and then closed his mouth again. 

"I want to tell all of you something. I have approached one of you before because of that and I realized that maybe talking about it with all of you would be the best solution." He lifted his head and looked everyone briefly, although his gaze lingered on Yoongi's small frame much longer than on the other 5. 

"Just... I trust all of you a lot and I wanted to get it out so I don't have to deal with it alone anymore." 

Seriously now?? He wouldn't do that, would he!?!? 

"I have had suicidal thoughts for a long time now and I have thought against that for a long time. 
I am always just thinking about things too much and the stress of being an idol probably just got to me. I can't really explain it either but I hated myself and I just want it to stop. This is why I am also planning to start going to therapy and get professional help as suggested." Namjoon briefly looked at Yoongi when he said that. 

"I just hope you won't think differently about me because of it but I just wanted to get it out so I don't have any secrets that could harm our group dynamic. As our leader I wanted to be the one who could set a good example for you and create an environment where all of us feel safe to talk about what makes them feel down." 

All of them just stayed quiet for a few seconds before Jin stood up, walked to Namjoon and hugged him tightly while whispering how proud he was of him. The others also looked at him with smiling faces. 

Everyone except for Yoongi. He just stared at the younger with an incredulous expression that settled into a small frown. 

He could feel Jimin's gaze resting on him, studying his every move. 

But honestly at that moment Yoongi couldn't even bring himself to care about that. There was so much going inside of him. 

He hated himself at that moment. 

Yoongi was jealous. Jealous of Namjoon for having the courage to get help and for having everyone's attention on him. 

He felt so bad for feeling that way. How could he even for one second think lke that 

How could he out of jealousy think of Namjoon as a fucking attention whore who just wanted all eyes on him and people pampering him.

Yoongi knew that Namjoon would never do that. Why would thoughts like that even invade his mind? 

Why was he such a heartless piece of shit??

There were also thoughts of doubt. 

Should he tell the others about his own situation? But what was there for him to say? He had a shitty childhood? 

He hated himself? 

He was a fat piece of shit? 

That not even his boyfriend had loved him enough to stay with him? 

That he was a faggot for crying out loud? 

That he deserved to die for making his best friend and platonic soulmate Jimin hate him? 

Did he even deserve to feel that way? Feel wronged? 

He was the problem to begin with... He deserved to feel that way.... He deserved to be treated that way....He deserved to suffer.

"Anyone else who wants to tell us something?" Yoongi could hear Jimin saying. The younger was staring intently at Yoongi with an eyebrow lifted up slightly. 

"Yoongi?!" The younger now pressed with an expectant expression.

"No...I'm good."

The other scoffed and looked away. "Sure.... Sure you are."

The awkward silence from before had settled upon the group again and he could see the other five members looking from him to Jimin and back in confusion. 

Yoongi could feel the itch return with every passing second. Wanted to just cut away this uncomfortable feeling. He fidgeted around until he finally excused himself while rushing out of the apartment just walking without knowing where he even went to while anxiety clawed its way into the small mans heart and lungs.

Fuck you Jimin.

Fuck all of you. 

a/n: wow ok that chapter got kinda got out of hand.... will read through it tomorrow or so and edit it but i hope there aren't to many mistakes etc in it lol

I also hope that this story even makes sense....i feel like it must be confusing