"When the memories made him crumble, made him cry in agony the blade was still Yoongi's best friend.
No one cared anymore.
No one seemed to notice the wreck that was Min Yoongi."
The story about a boy struggling with life, self harm and so much m...
The only thing everyone around me says Is to come to my senses I try to vent out my anger but the only one here with me is me
With every passing day Yoongi can feel himself slip more and more into his old patterns as he hides away in his studio. The dorm, especially when the others were there, was his own personal hell, created by his own mind and his friends actions. He hated himself for thinking like that.
Everytime he saw Seokjin he felt an urge to run away. His hyung was the most notorious one when it came to checking on Yoongi's wellbeing. The older would literally rip the younger's shirt of his bodyto check for new cuts. Yoongi often felt like a criminal in a trial, getting stripped of his clothes, rights, his dignity as it uncovered all of his insecurities. The cold air would hit the naked skin of his frail body, made shivers running down his chest, back and arms. Shame filled him up with every breath he took in. His mind then always became blank, he would always just stand there like a robot on standby. All his feelings would just leave him, leaving him behind like an empty shell.
Hoseok had changed a lot since Yoongi's suicide attempt. You could see that he still tried to be the sunshine boy of the group especially in front of the younger members. However everytime his gaze would fall on Yoongi his eyebrows furrowed as if he was angry or unsure about why Yoongi was still there. The two had always been really close but that had completely changed and it was all Yoongi's fault.
Namjoon was really hurt, you could tell. Maybe his pride as a leader was hurt.... Yoongi couldn't be 100% sure. But he seemed to want to make up for his 'shortcomings'.
"Hyung you know I felt the same way you must have too.. You can always talk to me and maybe I can also give you advice. With the help of all of you I was able to become myself again, a better version even, you know? You shouldn't be hurting this much... shouldn't be hurting yourself like that. It's not healthy and you know that. Just let us and your therapist help you, hyung."
But Yoongi never felt like talking to the younger rapper. And he hadn't paid his therapist a visit since his 5th appointment. He hadn't really talked to her in the therapy sessions anyway. It was a complete waste of his and her time. Yoongi just hoped she would not inform his company, family or friends about it. That would be awful, he didn't even want to imagine their reactions. If it would be just as bad as Seokjin's reaction to fresh cuts on his paper-white arms and wrists...it would suck.
Jimin was a whole other story. He would pressure him to talk to him, tell him about his day and if Yoongi wouldn't tell him he would start crying, making the older feel even more miserable and even worse about himself. He must be a monster if he could make Jimin, such a naturally happy and strong person, cry. Such a monster for making his own best friend cry. How could he love himself if he was so unlovable?
I know I'm not fine I am afraid I can't cheer myself up anymore I can't see the sunshine because I'm not fine
Jungkook ... Yoongi couldn't look at him or be close to him at all. Everytime he looked at the youngest his heart started to ache as memories of himself being held by muscular arms flooded his mind. Seeing Jungkook arguing with and distancing himself more from his boyfriend made Yoongi flinch but it also gave him some kind of sick satisfaction. He was a monster feeding off of other's misery.
The worst one was however Taehyung. He was the tyrant that, like satan in hell, ruled over Yoongi's own personal hell. His actions towards Yoongi had trained the older like a shy puppy. When Tae would enter a room, Yoongi would immediately leave. If Jungkook came too close to Yoongi he would distance himself from the younger even if it made his heart bleed.
He was so ashamed of himself and of his obedience, felt like he must be such a disgrace as a hyung, such a disappointment.
He hated himself. Pain was the only distraction that worked. Whenever he felt Taehyung's gaze filled with hatred on him, Yoongi wished punishment on himself. He just wished back his past when Changwook hyung had still been his boyfriend, at least back then he felt in control of himself and his feelings. He had felt loved and over all had felt save.
But Yoong had become a total mess, a chaos in the midst of the harmonious coexistence of his friends. And maybe it was just too late to fix him.
I'm the one I should loathe in this world should've seen it coming I guess I'm losing my mind It's not worth loving me I'll never be perfect I don't know if I can walk forward
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