Drifting || Yoonkook

33

At times I am scared of myself
Comparing my dead passion with others
It's now a part of my daily life  
At times I feel like I am turning into a monster

Regret started to fill Yoongi's mind rapidly. It was unfair Yoongi thought, how with every decision he made he suffered even more than before. Just once he wanted to wake up with a giddy and happy feeling again. He wanted to feel normal again, wanted to feel like Min Yoongi, like an actual human being and not an empty shell of his former self that relied on pain to get through every fucking day.

It was as if everything that had once made up the producer and rapper of BTS by the name of Min Yoongi had been consumed by his own dreams and greed. It had ravished him, had left nothing behind but bones and flesh, the inspiration fueled by his love for the world and the people around him lost somewhere on the way.

He knew that he had lost his way on the path to the top he had tried to climb together with BTS, his family at heart. Yoongi knew that on that path he had lost even them, them happily finding their way out of it while he was still trying to escape from that stagnant place, getting even more lost and decending further and further. 

This garden is filled
With blossoming loneliness
I tied myself
To this sand castle filled with thorns

So with every second that had passed since Jungkook had left, Yoongi's mood became worse and worse; every emotion cursing through him amplified by the silence that came with the loneliness.  

Emptiness spread through Yoongi and it felt as if it was numbing every cell of his body except for his heart that felt as if it was trying to jump out of his chest. The beeping sounds next to him became more frantic and overwhelmed his senses, as if he not only heard it now, but as if his taste buds could catch a bit of its sour and slightly metallic taste that reminded him of thick blood. 

It seemed as if it even his vision became influenced by it as the room and maybe even every little dust particle and the air where pulsating in the rhythm of his heartbeat.

Yoongi knew how absurd and absolutely concerning that should probably feel, especially while not being drunk or under the influence of any other drug, but he could not help but smile slightly despite everything as it slowly but surely started to trickle down his throat where it filled out all the empty spaces in his heart that had once had a special place there. 

He knew, could feel, how his breathing became faster and faster and how not enough oxygen seemed to reach his lungs, could feel it all settle in him to push him back into his pillow, but at that moment the panic although existent did not reach him as it normally did. 

It felt like an out of body experience, as if Yoongi was only a spectator of that anxious and sad boy on the bed who was now clawing at the blanket with one hand and at his chest with the other, eyes widening ridiculously as he was choking on his own breath. 

Only when finally the nurses came running in- holding their equipment and a syringe, filled with a clear liquid, like soldiers their weapons- and took care of him by talking and when that did not work, injecting the liquid into his IV where it immediately found its way into his bloodstream. 

The breathing calmed down just like the beeping sound and he could once again feel like an actual part of himself, could finally feel the gentle caresses of hands, soaked in disinfecting fluid, the stench of it reaching his nose that he scrunched up immediately out of pure reflex. A small sound of discontent, something close to a whine, leaving his mouth. 

As sleepiness started to lay over his mind like blanket the loneliness he had felt before still existed but for once it did not matter to Yoongi. 

For once he could just close his eyes and surrender to the tiredness he had felt for far too long. 

He also could not complain about the fact that before he lost his consciousness a special someone popped up in his mind, a someone he missed so much. 
A someone that after such a long time made his heart ache in a way only few had before.

Yoongi smiled, a bittersweet smile, but a smile nonetheless. 

Don't smile on me
Light on me
Because I can't go to you
You know that I can't
But I still want you

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