To See You Again || Phan

Chapter 3

A/N

Hey guys. So yeah, if you haven't noticed already, there's some adult themes in this. Hope that doesn't get in the way ^_^ Enjoy!

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"No...that couldn't be true...he would never..." I whisper fragments of sentences to myself.

I have to talk to him. I no longer care that he's asleep. Why would he try to kill himself?

Was it because of me?

My mind is so mixed up. I've been thrown for a loop. I have to understand.

Phil stirs in his room. I tiptoe there. Opening the door, I feel my heart skip a beat. What am I going to say to him?

His eyes are locked on mine the second the door swings open. "Phil..." my words get caught in my throat.

His state is almost completely blank, but behind that, I can see his struggle to push his emotions too far down for me to see them.

I sit down next to him. "Phil, you have to tell me what's wrong." He glares at me as if I'm asking him to give him an insane amount of money to borrow.

"Please," I try to coax it out of him. Try to get anything at all, even just one word out of him.

But he won't talk. I have to say it. He needs to know that I know.

"Phil, what was that knife doing in the bathroom?" This finally cracks him. "Punishing me. That's what it was doing. I deserve it though."

"You don't deserve to be punished," I say quietly. The life is drained from his blue eyes. They looked light grey. The lack of a little sparkle in those eyes, the eyes I know so well, hurts.

I embrace him tightly. His hands wrap around my back gingerly. I can feel him wincing.

I pull away, and gently grasp the back of his wrists, using the other hand to push up the sleeve on the jacket he won't stop wearing.

Little parallel lines, like bracelets of blood. They are still wet. They almost seem to be crying, the blood teardrops rolling down his arm.

"Dan." The first thing he's said, not mumbled, to me in a month. That first special word had to be my name?

"Phil, why didn't you tell me?" I squeak out pathetically. His dull, grey eyes stare into mine, the sadness finally taking over and glazing over his pupils.

"Why are you still friends with me?"

That was a question I wasn't expecting to hear. How do I put Phil into words?

"Because you're wonderful, and you have amazing eyes and a perfect personality. Because you're a guy in his twenties who loves lions and all things fluffy. Because of your dark voice. Because you're the perfect best friend to have."

He shakes his head. "I can't be those things," he mumbles. "You don't have to try. That's just who you are."

This comment doesn't seem to have any effect on his attitude. "I don't know if that's who I am anymore," he murmurs.

He's truly lost himself. I have to help him find himself again. "Phil." I wrap my arms around his slumped, bony shoulders.

I don't want to let them go.