Run By Anxiety

Party Time

When we arrived at the party, I knew immediately it would be a bad idea. I felt so overwhelmed, I didn't know how long I could last. I took deep breaths as we made our way into the kitchen. So far, so good.

Maybe I could do this. It wasn't overly crowded and I had Alex by my side. "Hey, I see you made it." Our friend Evan greeted us. I politely smiled while Alex took care of the small talk. I just stood by him and every so often nodded my head and smiled.

Suddenly, it seemed as if everyone in the world started piling into the kitchen.

I instinctively reached for Alex's hand. He grabbed it and gave it a reassuring squeeze. I felt a little safer now, but still uncomfortable. This was why I didn't go to parties. They sucked the life out of me. My breathing sped up, but I quickly controlled it before it got out of hand.

I closed my eyes and prayed away the dizziness that had overcome me. Alex looked down at me and smiled. I tried to smile back, I really did. But I couldn't. I just stared blankly into his face. His face transformed from smiling to worrisome frown.

"Im fine." I pulled my eyes away from him and looked at the floor. I couldn't put up this charade anymore. I could literally feel it coming.

5...4...3...2...1...

"I need out of here." I choked out. "Maddie? Are you ok?" Alex looked at me. "Get me out now." I gritted my teeth as my breathing grew heavier. "Alex please. Now. Get me out. Alex. Help. Help me. Now. Alex help." I started getting really restless.

"Hey hey, it's ok. Come on." Alex grabbed my hand and started pulling me through the crowd. My hands started going numb. 'Lord, please!' I prayed. 'Calm my mind!' I waited, but nothing changed. I hadn't paid attention to where he was taking me until I found myself outside on the lawn.

I let go of Alex's hand and walked several feet from him. I stood there and stuck my fingers in my mouth. It was a nervous habit I hated, but it helped me focus. I turned to face him, but couldn't meet his eye. I didn't understand it, but I couldn't make eye contact during an attack.

I started pacing, ignoring him entirely. Back and forth. Back and forth. I could feel it getting worse, and it didn't feel good.

This was it. It would definitely all be downhill from here...