Run By Anxiety

Here We Go Again

I reached for his hand for the millionth time tonight and squeezed as tight as I could. I heard him take a sharp breath. "Sorry..." I mumbled. "Is it happening again?" He asked, concerned. I stayed silent. I couldn't find the strength and focus to respond.

If I ignored him long enough, he'd know something was wrong. I continued praying as hard as I could. My hand started twitching. "Sit up." He commanded gently, sitting up himself. I slowly and painfully sat up and leaned my back against the truck.

It hurt to breathe, so I held my breath. "Maddie don't. You need to breathe." He urged. I shook my head, refusing to give in. It didn't do any good because I couldn't hold it any longer, and I sucked in a lung full of air.

He rolled his eyes, but looked satisfied enough. "Ow!" I shouted, quickly getting to my feet. "What, what's the matter?!" Alex exclaimed jumping to his feet. "Get away from me." I warned, shielding myself from him.

"Maddie...I'm not going to hurt you." Alex reassured me.

"I know that. But I'm really claustrophobic right now. I need space." I pleaded. He looked confused, but didn't question it. I had an extreme case of claustrophobia, and even if there was one person there... If they wanted to be touchy at the wrong time, I felt claustrophobic.

"Just give me a second." I told him, trying to calm myself. "At least sit down." He sighed. "It'll make it worse." I informed him. "Fine." He sat down and crossed his arms. It was starting to scare me how high I was on the truck, so I started to climb down.

"Now what're you doing?" He asked, trying to hide his irritation. He wanted to be there for me, and I was pushing him away. I climbed down the rest of the way, and he followed.

I started walking away. "Maddie, get back here." He commanded. "Go away." I snarled. "No. I'm your boyfriend, I'm not leaving." He tried to reason. "Well, I hereby relieve you if you feel you have to be there for me." I sniffled, trying not to cry.

I didn't want him gone, I wanted him here; hugging me. But I was too anxious and tense. Alex jogged over to me, but I couldn't will myself to move. He didn't say anything, but he grabbed me and hugged me.

I tensed up even more, not hugging him back. "I'm not going anywhere. Maddie, you mean so much to me. I'm not going to hurt you. I love you." He whispered. The soft vibrations and the quick beating of his heart were soothing.

I started to relax rather quickly, until I was able to wrap my arms around him too. I slowed my breathing, taking slow, deep breaths. Smelling his cologne, and listening to his heartbeat. I was exhausted from all the anxiety now.

"I'm tired..." I said softly. He picked me up and carried me back to the truck and helped me in. "I'm going to take you home now. It's getting late." He whispered. I nodded, now situated in the passengers seat. I leaned my seat back and closed my eyes. He started the truck without saying a word. I grabbed his hand, and fell asleep not long after.

Surely I'd sleep well tonight...