Pages of Yesterday

My Womanhood

I remember the first time it happened, I was eleven

This was the day I lost and found myself

My best friend Angela was over my house

We were talking about guys; well I was secretly talking about her but

She was straight and I was afraid

It was late, around midnight; the moon hidden behind skies of shadow

Angela was beginning to fall asleep; she snuggled up against me, her breath

Sending tingles through every intricate nerve in my body

I smiled and began to close my eyes as well

A harsh whisper was suddenly emitted from a whiskey laden mouth, into my soul

“Get out of bed now!”

Cold metal kissed the edge of my cheek, a gun

Actions didn’t register to my body fast enough.

Before I was pulled by a grip stronger than God, out of bed

Angela didn’t startle at all, she laid there curled against the imprint of my form

I watched her figure darken as the door closed to my room

I was being dragged down the hall by my braids

Feeling the carpet lunge and burn my flesh

Hairs were pulling the skin of my neck so hard that I could feel my spine

Quivering to release

This intruder opened the door to my parent’s room

A sudden rush of relief passed over me as I realized my father would be here to save me

The room, so full of pictures and comforters and pillows and love, was empty

I screamed for my daddy and this man (I knew he was a man every time he pressed up against me)

Violently threw me against the headboard on my mommy’s side of the bed

(She doesn’t sleep there anymore though, because she left when I was seven)

I have yet to see this man’s face; I have only smelled his danger

He swallowed me whole with his scent of vodka on the rocks

Sickness curdled in my stomach, and fear finally took its place deep in my chest

He poked and prodded into my safest haven

He ripped apart the boundaries between little girl and woman

I lay there entrapped by my own blood and tears and his fluids

My pelvic bones screamed when I tried to move

Eyes blistered the blood marks on my cheeks

He started to kiss my broken body, tasting the shame in my tears  

Then the door abruptly opened

Her eyes were a ghastly blue

The color faded from her face as fast as homemade marmalade from its jars

(The kind that grandma brought over once every month)

“Mr. Watson?!” she screamed in terror

Well she was obviously frightened out of her mind, it couldn’t be him

I looked up at the man who was now shell-shocked at the door

I felt as if I had just gotten struck by a switch in the undefined crevice on my chest

His skin was black cherry dark, like him

Even his eyes, his soul, my daddy

He got up off of me and went towards Angela

Fear drove a nail into my abdomen

I wouldn’t let him touch her too

Angela ran as fast as she could

She got as far as she could on those legs of lace

Before I heard her scream, and fall

I was a step short of oblivion

Then he came into the room

Holding her by the throat her hands

Grasped around his trying to set herself

Free of this monster who I once called family

Her blonde hair draped over her shoulder trying

To protect her from the fate in which I was sealed

He pulled up her nightgown

And exposed her flesh colored moonlight

I couldn’t turn my eyes from the view I had been dying to see

Then I realized I wasn’t the only one seeing her

Their actions were positioned away from me

I sat up as slowly as possible, my feet quietly dipped over the edge of the bed

Brushing against the sagging pocket of his faded jeans

My toes curled over the smooth metal enemy he had taken with him

I placed my feet on the floor, and dropped down to the ground

Running my hands in his clothes like he did to mine

I closed my eyes and pulled the trigger, he said “Don’t even bother its

Empty.”