Believe

Chapter 5

I fell to my knees in complete agony, tears streaking down my cheeks like twin waterfalls. How was I supposed to face today like this?

I wailed as the phone rang; my ride asking where I was. Panic clawed its way up my throat, seizing my breath, crushing my will to get up and walk out the door.

So weak, it taunted. So very, very weak; sobbing like a child when you don't want to do something that is hard. I couldn't breathe as my mom left the house to tell my ride I wasn't going to school this morning.

My stomach heaved as I pressed my hands to my mouth and darted for the kitchen sink. I leaned over and spat, clear mucus mixing with the tears rolling over my mouth. I couldn't do this. I needed someone, anyone to ease the panic consuming my very being.

But was anyone there? No, of course not. Why would they be? I was alone in my misery. Numbly, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and climbed to my feet. I stumbled to the couch, and I sat there for over three hours, staring blankly at the t.v, knowing my time was ticking away until I had to face the rest of the day. But it would be fine, because no one would ask how I was, or what had happened. I would plaster on a fake smile and feed everyone the same lies and no one would be the wiser. Did this mask hurt? Of course it did, but not as much anymore. My heart was growing colder and number as I pushed people away. After all, their silence hurts less if they don't get close.

The dream twisted itself until she was at school, the sheer panic building once again in her chest.

I thought I was okay! I had woken up this morning not feeling great, but I thought that I would be able to finish today. Perhaps it was the lack of sleep, or my meds not kicking in, or whatever it happened to be, I felt nothing but sorrow and an overwhelming numbness. I could barely concentrate as I picked up my saxophone and played along with the rest of the class, mist clinging to my lashes.

"It hurts, it hurts, it hurts," my sorrow chanted along with the music. Somehow, I managed to pull myself through the class and into English.

The last remaining shred of my concentration vanished the second I entered the classroom. I couldn't even tell you what we did that period. All I remember is the fire drill about fifteen minuets into the period. I shuffled out with the rest of the school, numb. I tuned out my friend's useless chatter, everything hazy, dark ideas creeping in from the shadowed corners of my mind.

I finally gave in to the pain and texted my mom. She promised to come get me as soon as second period was over. Pushing myself through second was one of the hardest things I've had to do in a while.

As the bell rang and my friends and I gathered our stuff, I thought about how I was going to leave the school. I bit my lip and figured I'd just vanish. As we walked down the stairs, I turned back.

"I have to go talk to a teacher. I'll see you guys later," I lied. One of my friends nodded and said okay. Nobody questioned me or noticed my odd choice of words. I turned and nearly sprinted down the halls towards the doors, tears filling my eyes once again.

At home, I waited for my phone to buzz with messages from concerned friends, wanting to know where I had gone. I got nothing except one message saying that someone was praying for me. The next day, no one said anything to me; no one asked where I had gone or how I was today.

If no one said anything now, would they even care if I ceased to exist?
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Tempest awoke and crawled out of bed into the heavy, dull grey morning. She felt nothing- a numb hollowness that consumed everything it touched.

The sky reflected her mood perfectly, the heavy neutral grey sky stretching out as far as the eye could see. The waters churned more sluggishly today as Tempest began her daily hike up her cliff. Every step felt like an eternity; hanging suspended between the cracks in time. After a second or an hour, she reached the top of her cliff and sat with a heavy sigh.

She felt so alone, so empty. She gazed blankly at the water, the muted roar of the waves washing over her. She sat for an eternity, numb. As the sun began to set, she stood to her feet and wandered back to the cabin.

She sat on the white leather couch and gazed around the living room, drinking in all the details. Two white floor to ceiling built in bookcases framed the T.V that held movies, books, little trinkets and keepsakes. The kitchen was to her back. The couch curled from the front of the T.V and hugged the left wall, painted a warm blue. The kitchen had dark wooden cabinets that formed an L shape above and below the black and white speckled counter tops.

Tempest hugged her knees to her chest and allowed herself to cry, a moment of weakness in her eyes, deep heavy sobs that racked her body, her very being. The tears came thick and fast, burning her eyes and coating her lips with salt. She sat with her arms around her, chin rested on her knees until she fell into a shallow slumber, shadows of guilt, shame and despair clouding her mind.

She awoke hours later, sky dark. She rested her cheek on the arm of the couch and thought about how she used to be. She had been happy once upon a time and she lived a relatively happy life. Her life had always had ups and downs but so did everyone else's. But now, she couldn't do anything. Nothing at all.

She crawls to her feet and walks into her room and collapses onto the bed, eyelids heavy. She then drifted away into a shallow slumber, the shadows crawling from the deepest darkest parts of herself to consume her once again.