Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
I lean over quickly and turn off the radio. Fix you by Coldplay is my favorite song, but at this moment I favor nothing but the warm, chocolate color of my mother's eyes and the intimate smile formed when my dads lips part.
The silence fills my Volvo like a piercing through a newborn baby's ears, and I can't take it, so when I reach a red light on the unusually empty streets of Manhattan, I dial Vern, my older brother, and place my phone on speaker before tossing it onto the seat and accelerating forward once the light changes to green.
"Jules?" says Vern on the other end, his voice tired. He works overtime these days, spending more and more time with the reporter, April O'Neil. I sigh as I reach another red light.
"Vern," I say, my voice slow and soft. Mom would tell me to speak up right now. "I'm five minutes away from your apartment."
Vern allows a silence to linger before he responds.
"Okay." he says in a sigh. It's clear that this is too much, too soon for him. It's clear that he can't believe it. Neither can I. I cannot get over the car, and how it looked like a smashed metal scrap with clearly no survivors.
I don't hear Vern calling my name on the other end. A car honks on the other side of the road, so I step on the acceleration, thinking that it is my turn to go. The only thing I hear thereafter is the sound of a truck honking, and I slam on the brakes quickly, causing my head to slam back against the seat.
My throat runs dry and I realize that I was a few seconds away from death. Vern continues to call my name, but my breathing rate starts accelerating, a knob pulling at the insides of my throat. It's too soon.
But that's it.
I don't cry. I didn't yet have the chance to, nor could I will my body to grasp the reality of the situation.
The light turns green, and I go.
***
I drag my suitcases into the building of Vern's apartment, and he is already waiting there for me. When he sees me, he drags his tall form over to me and envelopes me in a rough hug. I can't hug back because my hands are both occupied by my bag.
He pulls away, keeping my shoulders firmly and holding me at arm's length..
"You're okay?" it is a statement, but I hear a question, so I nod my head slowly, a reassuring smile on my dusty pink lips.
"I'm okay. Let's get this upstairs, my arms are about to fall off." I tease with the smile still lingering on my lips. Vern takes my bags in an act of chivalry and we walk towards the elevator. When the doors of the elevator open, we step in. The walls are covered in mirrors.
I look at myself, my messy brown pony tail, my slightly cracked pink lips, my face void of make up. I look nothing like myself. I don't look myself for a few days now.
Juliet Emma Fenwick. I am most commonly knows as Jules by friends and family, and Juliet by strangers.
A child of seventeen. Already broken.
The elevator doors retreat, and I follow Vern down the passage to a door with "6C" in gold letters, held to the door by equally gold nails. Vern places my suitcases on the ground and fish for his keys in his pockets, and I take this as an opportunity to eye the building.
The floor is quiet, seeing as though it was on the very top of the building, for some wildly unknown reason Vern can explain later. My eyes find the vent on the ceiling diagonally from where Vern and I are standing.
Quickly, something moves. Something shadow like. I remain staring at it, almost very sure that I see a pair of amber eyes glued to my dull brown eyes. They are captivating, reptilian-like eyes that send the hairs on the back of my neck standing up before they disappear.
I jump a bit as Vern removes his keys from the door and opens it. He spared me an amused glance and grasps my suitcases.
"You okay, Jules?" Vern asks as we enter. I swallow. Does he mean am I okay at the moment, or okay about everything that happened?
I say nothing, and Vern understands. He disappears into a room and I am still rooted to the spot.
"Do you want some coffee? Sorry that this place is a bit of a mess." he says quickly when he reappears, forgetting that I lived with him for as long as I can remember.
"Coffee sounds good." I say in my usual soft tone. I can hear my mother scolding me.
Vern rushes to make my coffee, and I am still standing on the same spot, my eyes unblinking.
"I know it's going to be a bit of a change, the moving schools thing and all-" Vern starts but I interrupt him.
"Vern, I went to school a year early." I say softly. He clearly forgot. His face shows that he has a light bulb moment, and he continues to work on the coffee.
"Right, right. Thank goodness we can skip all the it's okay not to fit in talks." he says with light humor in his voice. When I don't laugh he is silent, but I can't take silence.
"I just can't believe they're gone." I whisper, my voice almost inaudible, but Vern hears me, and he walks over to me to hand me my coffee. He doesn't speak, and I am grateful when he holds my small shoulders underneath his arm.
As if something snaps in me, I walk forward, out of his hold.
"I'm going to shower, then I'll get to bed, is that okay?" I ask, facing him. I sip from the coffee to distract myself from the look on his face. His eyes meet mine and he exhausts a sigh.
"Go ahead, Jules."
