From Pemberley to Manhattan [COMPLETED]

Chapter 47

INTERVIEW WITH GRANDMA

AGENT HOLMES: Ma'am, are you aware of the whereabouts of your grandson?

GRANDMA: I believe he's next door, sweetheart.

AGENT HOLMES: I was referring to your other grandson. A Mr. Ethan Estevez Brown. You know, the scientist.

GRANDMA: All you needed to say was you were talking about Ethan. I know his full name, darling. You didn't need to spend all that saliva telling me his middle and last names. Nor his profession. Are you about to tell me my elder grandson is a genius? Because I'm aware of that, too.

AGENT HOLMES: Could you please answer the question, Ma'am?

GRANDMA: Sure thing, gorgeous. As long as you call me Julia. I hate being called Ma'am.

AGENT HOLMES: What the–

GRANDMA: Didn't your mamma teach you how to treat a lady, honey?

AGENT HOLMES: Yes, of course. I apologize. Could you please answer the question, Julia?

GRANDMA: Sure, cute face, I only have one more request: would you mind taking your sunglasses off? A woman must see a man's eyes as she speaks to him. Why are you using sunglasses anyway? We're inside.

AGENT HOLMES: Better now, ma'am– Forgive me. Julia?

GRANDMA: Much better, dear. You have such lovely eyes.

AGENT HOLMES: This is a serious matter, ma'am. You could go to prison, based on what we've discovered so far.

GRANDMA: Hypothetically speaking, would I have the right to conjugal visits in the event of going to prison? Like, from a handsome agent with puppy dog, chocolate eyes?

AGENT HOLMES: Did you just wink at me, ma'am?

GRANDMA: Maybe. Or maybe I've got something in my eye. And my name is Julia, as I've already told you.

AGENT HOLMES: This is very serious, Julia. Your grandson, Ethan, could be in serious trouble.

GRANDMA: Ethan? Are you sure you're not confusing grandsons? Maybe you're talking about Robert. I love him dearly, but he's the official brat of the family.

AGENT HOLMES: I am certain I mean Ethan. According to our investigation, we believe he might have done... Very dangerous things...

GRANDMA: Ethan? Seriously? He was the safest person I ever knew! That boy wore condoms even when he played with mini Ethan!

AGENT HOLMES: Excuse me?

GRANDMA: Wow... I can see, even with that awful suit, that you work out a lot. Great biceps, darling. Women must beg to be arrested by you, am I right? Someone ever told you how you look like a younger version of Brad Pitt?

AGENT HOLMES: As a matter of fact, a woman once– Ma'am. Julia. This is beside the point. Do you know where your grandson is?

GRANDMA: Not a clue, sweetheart. Tell me: do you dig more experienced women?

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