falling out of love

seminars and jealousy

im not sure if i wrote this too well, but this is kind of just a rant and i'm not really bothered about how i write in this book

we didn't talk about it again. not after a month, two or six. she didn't bring it up and i wasn't stupid enough to bring it up myself.

things became slightly different but only on my part. i didn't feel comfortable enough to hug her all the time, to hold her hand or to kiss her cheek. it seemed too intimate, and i wasn't going to make her think as if i was hitting on her.

however i remember, in a seminar hosted for class 11th students, how she was sitting unnecessarily close to another girl, how the girl's hands were constantly touching her somewhere or the other.

how she seemed completely unaffected by it.

i knew she didn't feel for me romantically but it still fucking sucks that she was being so close to another girl. i didn't want to look at them, god knows i didn't, but my eyes, my stupid fucking eyes won't stop wandering over to them.

i felt it, the ache of jealousy in my chest and a lump under my throat. the annoyance of her not being mine was most prevalent that day. i was sure she must behave like this with other girls too—platonic or not, it still broke my heart.

after the seminar i made a beeline straight towards the washrooms to wash my face and hopefully get rid of this heat that is constantly building up in me, but before i could go very far, she was calling my name. of course she was.

as soon as she approached me she started ranting about the seminar and how boring and unnecessary it was, and i nodded along mindlessly, following where ever she was going. i know it isn't fair for me to be mad at her but i was feeling that way. i was so fucking pissed.

"is something wrong?"

"no,"

"yeah it is, what's up?"

"g*****i is just so fucking clingy,"

"what?"

"i don't like the way she was touching you, and this isn't me having a crush on you, i just find it unnecessary and annoying," i blurted like the fucking idiot i am, and she just looked at me for a while before a small smile pulled at the corner of her lips.

"what?" i barked, quite literally, slightly annoyed that she was finding this humorous in any manner.

"nothing, i just want you to know that she doesn't touch me the way you do,"

i looked away.

"what's that supposed to mean?"

"you know, when you touch me or hold my hand it feels emotional, it feels. . . real. it's not like that with any of my other friends, not even her,"