heartstrings - fillie

004

«CHAPTER FOUR»

i can't do this.

it's the holidays. everyone's favorite time of the year. there is not one house in this town without lights and decorations. and usually i enjoy it all. but this year is different.

i dread getting out of bed each morning. i don't feel like putting on another act. an act where i'm happy and not surrounded by the very cause of my constant misery. every act, every fake smile...it all keeps piling up under my skin. my façade is starting to fray at the edges.

i need a break.

several weeks later-

it's just another night at home, but i'm hurting particularly bad on this night.

i can't feel the joy and comfort everyone else does, no matter how hard i try. watching everyone celebrate only hurts me more. and at all times, only one thing remains on my mind. all i can think of, is him.

suddenly i'm filled with anger.

i'm angry at myself for feeling the way i do. i'm angry at everyone else for being so happy and oblivious. at life for being so unfair. i can tell i'm losing it and i need to do something to save me. i need some hands to grab my arm and pull me to the side before i trip and fall off the edge.

i can't take it anymore.

then, as if a switch is flipped, it all turns to sadness. my vision blurs as tears start to form in my eyes and a lump starts to form in my throat. i don't want to cry, but the tears hang on my lashes, threatening to fall.

it's a battle i'm too weak to win, and the tears begin to fall. at first, just a few lonely tears roll down my cheeks. but soon, i'm crying a hurricane. it seems like every tear breaks me more. i sob, feeling weak. i've never hurt this much. in the moment, i think every bone in my body could be broken and it would not hurt this much.

all i know is that i can't keep living the way i do. i'm not strong enough. and will never be. if nothing changes, it will surely be the death of me.

and it hurts. so. much.

then my body's moving. i'm getting up and out of my room. then i'm outside of my house. but what's confusing is that my mind is not telling my body to move. it's more like my heart is.

and i don't know where it's taking me.

i'm cold and scared, but i can't keep from moving.

tears continue to stream down my face. my bare feet slam against the hard concrete sidewalk. they move faster and faster. nothing is guiding me.

i run and run and run. i'm unaware of my surroundings in the darkness. for a moment it strikes me how small i am in the world.

upset, and lost in thought, my foot catches in a crack on the sidewalk and i lurch forward onto my knees, my hands slamming down hard. i let myself fall onto my chest and i suddenly seem frozen in this state. i know i'm not paralyzed when i shiver in the cold air. i feel so...broken. i wonder if i'll ever get back up. slowly, i recover and feel my muscles working to pull me up. i stand, and my legs start at a slow pace once again.

i feel warm blood trickling down my right leg as i run. my hands start to sting in the winter air.

then i stop. my breathing is heavy and my lungs are on fire. i've stopped in front of a house. i can't make it out because the tears haven't stopped. i walk up to the door and let my hand pound on it until it opens.

my legs give way beneath me and i collapse into a pair of strong arms.

and they hold me.

-

{632}

sry it's been a while.
i'll try and be better abt updating.

sincerely,
lucia