Across Acheron

Session 12

Breathing suddenly became a chore. I felt my body sway as I tried to focus on the woman sitting in front of me, studying me with anxious eyes. I staggered over to the wall, not even flinching when my feet sank into the broken glass scattered about on the floor.

It appeared as if she was calling out to me; her lips read are you okay or you’re bleeding but I just couldn’t hear her. My body felt beat down and fragile like a rotting barn and I was certain that I was going to collapse soon enough.

There are times in your life when you don’t know who to trust and what to believe. There are times in your life when everything around you feels like one big lie or a never-ending nightmare. There are times when I wish I could stop breathing. Quit everything like a job. I suppose you guys will watch me more like hawks now that I’ve admitted that.

Look, I’m not going to lie to you; I’ve never lied to you thus far. I thought of killing myself back at Cillian’s place and I still think about killing myself now. I think about tying my bed sheets together and suffocating or bashing my brains in against the wall or something. I would have done it the moment I got here if it wasn’t for the cameras. I may be a maniac, but I’m still a gentleman. I don’t want any of those pretty nurses seeing that.

Don’t give me that look like you expected more from me. I know you guys are working hard to fix me or whatever, but I don’t want all the crap you’re giving me. I’m always getting things I don’t need. I don’t need you, the pills, sedatives or even these freshly pressed boxers.

It’s the same way with how I didn’t need Cillian or Keenan or even that woman. I would’ve gotten along fine if I woke up in anyone else’s yard. Maybe an old couple who’d take me in for tea instead of interrogation and would ask if I liked beer before offering me any. They’d post up my picture across town in black and white because they wouldn’t have a coloured printer. When no one would recognise me, they’d take me in as their own son and fix me up so I could face the world on my own. They’d probably rename me too, something ostentatious like Lucas or Declan or some shit.

I’d become a doctor, or maybe a lawyer. I don’t know; just a job that’ll get me rich quick enough to pay them back. We’d have a great time together while they call over their friends to brag about their rich son. Then one of their friends would introduce me to their daughter, who I’d refuse to marry for their son instead and we’d live together and adopt a kid or something.

The old couple would die and leave me the rest of their fortune and I’d use it to make my own hospital or law firm under their name.

I started smiling at the thought of that. It must’ve driven that woman nuts; watching a man with glass stuck in his foot smile like it felt good. And it did, sort of. Thoughts of the old couple and the conversations we’d have filled my mind and made the glass in my foot unknown. But sooner than I would have wanted, the words in my own mind began to drone out and reality started to set in.

I heard crying. I heard my name being shouted over and over by the staircase, Keenan’s unusually frantic voice filling my ears.

“Jack! This isn’t the time to be zoning out!”

I looked over at him imprecisely, watching as he waved his arms like a goddamn maniac. “He’ll be here any second!”

I didn’t want to have to handle it, so I tried zoning out again. I thought about the static, I thought about the old couple, and I thought about my future son and how I’d take him out for ice cream or something. I allowed their voices to fill my mind, cranking up the volume with each syllable Keenan spewed but it still wasn’t enough.

Keenan wasn’t letting me have it.

I felt my feet lift from the ground, the scent of Keenan’s skin tickling my nostrils. He smelt like summer. My head swayed from left to right as he brought me up the steps, muttering something like this shit isn’t even part of my job and why the hell do I care so much? I thought I imagined that too, but I knew that it was real. All of it was very real.