worst ; gawsten

one

couple things beforehand: i've been working on this for a couple weeks, ever since the news came out about awsten and ciara. i love bands and band members way too much, and for me, when something happens to someone i really truly love and care about (like awsten), i want to be able to do something, to help, even though i can't. writing is my way of "helping" in a way, because if i can't help irl i can write a story where things get better, where things are fixed, etc.

not only that, but this breakup brought back a lot of feelings about my breakup and my ex so a lot of this is me trying to cope with feelings i should've sorted out a few months ago and am only now actually starting to feel lmao (go me and my self-destructive tendencies tbh)

this was supposed to be a long oneshot only centered around awsten but i'm a slut for gawsten and angst so i'm throwing geoff in here too with some thoughts and feelings of his own.

i'm gonna try and not make it too triggering, although anxiety, depression, and panic attacks are big, only because so many waterparks songs allude to anxiety and depression to the point where i'm pretty sure that's what awsten struggles with.

enjoy!

Awsten is trying.

He's trying so hard to be fine and be on and act like this isn't the worst thing in the world. He's trying to think about something else, not waste too much time on it, trying to tell himself that this can't be the thing that destroys him. He's worked too hard and come too far to have everything torn down by something so stupid.

He should've known better. He should've known it was too good to be true, that the other shoe would eventually drop, that things couldn't be that good forever. He should've known that people can't be that perfect. He thought she was the one and she was, the one who would break him worse than anyone has before.

She cheated on Richard with him. That was the first red flag but he was too enamored by her looks and her smile and just how damn captivating she was that he didn't see it. He never saw it. He always gave her the benefit of the doubt, and somewhere along the way, his heart.

And she returned it colder and deader and blacker than it's ever been, cracked irreparably.

She took his heart and gave back the pieces and now he's trying to figure out where to go from here, how to come back from something like this, how to live when all he can think about is death.

If only they weren't on tour. Playing Powerless and 21 Questions and Stupid for You is indescribably awful. He can't force himself to sing lyrics he wrote about the girl he thought he had forever with when forever is finite. 21 Questions was true and Powerless describes the situation and he wants to know why she didn't miss him back, why she didn't miss him at all, if sleeping with another guy was so damn easy for her.

"Aws, hey, you gotta get up. We've got soundcheck." Geoff shakes his shoulder gently, and he lets his body go limp, sliding his eyes shut, hoping Geoff will believe that he's lost in sleep. "C'mon Awsten, I know you're awake. I know you feel like shit but they've been on me and Otto all day and we can't keep coverin' for you. You're gonna have ta face them sometime."

"I don't wanna sing Powerless," he says. He's making a valiant effort to keep his voice steady because he can't keep crying, and he definitely can't cry in front of Geoff. "Or 21 Questions."

Geoff shoots him a sympathetic smile. "We'll cut them then. What do you wanna replace 'em with?"

"Can we do No Capes? And maybe Little Violence?"