worst ; gawsten

twelve

"Christmas lights," Geoff says. "It's two in the fuckin' morning, and you wanna walk around Boston wrapping Christmas lights around yourself?"

"There's meaning behind it," he mumbles. He doesn't look up to meet Geoff's eyes, digs his nails into his palms and tries to keep his voice from breaking again. He can't cry anymore. It's happened enough. Too much. The switch is broken and the tears keep coming, like he's taken their band name and shoved it inside his chest, stomped all over it so many times that the waterworks feel permanent.

"What the hell could Christmas lights mean?" Geoff presses. "You, in the dark, blinking lights...I don't get it."

"I didn't think you would," he mutters under his breath. It feels like stingers are burning into his skin, pressing through the layers and puncturing, ripping and tearing until they absorb into his body and start to distribute themselves throughout. It's buzzing. It's all buzzing. Everything is stinging and buzzing can't do this gotta get out get out go can't do this-

"Then tell me!" Geoff snaps. "Fuck, Aws, are you even ready ta do something like this?"

"Got the camera! Ready to go when you are, Aws-" Jawn cuts himself off as he joins them in the lounge area, loosens his grip on the equipment around his neck and looks from Awsten to Geoff. "Whoa, what's going on?"

"Well apparently, instead of dealing with how I feel, I should just go back to crying in my bunk," he mutters. The words are thick. The lump in his throat is huge. The ache behind his eyes is strong. He swallows painfully and pushes past Jawn. Everything is blurry. His vision is swirling, infused with spurts of black ink that seem to eclipse more and more with every new spray.

Stepping outside, off the bus and into the chilly night air feels different. He was drowning, before, drowning in there, and now the cool air feels like waves on his skin, like the feeling in your chest after taking the first sip of a cool drink on a scorching summer day, like that first drop of cool in a sea of heat. He inhales heavily as he leans against the bus, lets his head flop back against the vehicle and closes his eyes.

Breathe.

...

"Fuck."

Geoff breaks the silence. He bites his lip and drops his head down as he takes a breath, waits a couple seconds before he looks back up to meet his eyes. He fiddles with the strap of his camera and adjusts it against his chest.

"I didn't mean that," Geoff is saying. "I just- I'm worried about him." He pauses and shakes his head. "He thinks he's ready a lot of times and he's just- not. And then it backfires and he's so much more of a mess than he was. I just don't want him pushing himself too hard, y'know?"

"You really care about him, don't you?" If only things were different. If only these weren't the circumstances, if only Geoff had said something earlier, if only Awsten had never gotten tangled up with that bitch...

Geoff would've been so good to him.

Geoff's been so good to him. He's been the helping hand, the unsung hero, the one who swoops in when Awsten's having a pretty bad anxiety day or the assholes on Twitter get to be too much, when the world seems so determined to ravage a light so beautiful, throw the arrow before he even opens his front door and walks out into the world, dooms him from the beginning and then turns a blind eye to his resulting mannerisms.

Geoff's been the shoulder that she wasn't, the warm body she refused to give, the light that she kept taking...when they're doing promo and embarking on tours he can't go on, Geoff steps up and assumes his role as fluidly as possible, curls next to Awsten and tangles their bodies together, makes his problems theirs as he coaxes him to move, to breathe, it'll be okay, I promise. You're not on your own. They're not mad at you. You're not disappointing anyone, okay? You're doing the best you can, and that's all that matters.

You're doing the best you can and that's all that matters.

"I just- I want him to be okay," Geoff says softly. "I hate seeing him like this, I hate that she did this to him, I just...fuck." He shakes his head again and collapses, folds his knees and plops down on the couch with his head in his hands.

"He's anxious," Jawn replies. He perches next to Geoff with a sigh. "You know how he gets. Anxious and stressed and too wound up about this band shit. If we don't shoot this, if he lets her come in the way of his job, his career, his life...he'll never forgive himself. You know that. He's trying to go on even with it eating at him and one day it'll be too much, but right now...right now, I think that's what he needs. Take his mind off it, y'know?" He meets Geoff's eyes with a smile. "And hey, the concept's actually really good. Sad as hell, but damn. It's gonna be a great video, you'll see."

He doesn't wait for Geoff to answer before he makes his way down the aisle and out of the bus.

"He's just worried." He slides down to sit next to Awsten and snakes an arm around his shoulders. Awsten doesn't look up, keeps his gaze focused on the string lights he's tangling around his fingers. "He thinks you're pushing too hard, he wants you to take a break."

"M'fine," Awsten mumbles.

"You're not, though," he replies. He nudges against Awsten's shoulder. "You're a lot of things, but fine definitely isn't one of them."

"Shut up."

"Are you sure you wanna do this?" He squeezes Awsten against him with a sigh. "No one would blame you if you wanted to hold off. I can totally talk to Joel if you need me to. You shouldn't- we don't want you taking on more than you're ready for, just 'cause there needs ta be something out."

"No." Awsten's voice is so small. "It's not like that. This, I...I can't go through with my original video idea. I can't make a fuckin' gross ass video after everything. It's the happiest song on the album but this is the video for it. I know y'all think I'm like, on the verge of a mental break, or somethin', but I feel good about this. I know it'll be good. Can you just- trust me, on that?"

"Yeah." That's a new voice. Awsten jumps against him. Jawn glances upward, sees the bus door cracked and Geoff leaning slightly out of it.

Geoff walks around to kneel down in front of them and reaches for one of Awsten's hands. "I still don't think it's the best idea to do it while you're like this, but...I trust you. And...if you say it'll be good, I trust that." He smiles and squeezes Awsten's hand. "You'll explain it to me after, right?"

"Yeah," Awsten replies quietly. Geoff opens his arms and he moves into them immediately. Jawn smiles, locks eyes with Geoff and watches as he rubs Awsten's back.

"I'll leave you to it, then," Geoff says. He pulls back and presses his lips against Awsten's forehead for a couple seconds. "I'll tell Otto, okay?"

"Thanks," Awsten whispers. Geoff sends him another smile and brushes his fingers through his hair once more, before he stands and makes his way back into the bus.

"You good?" He asks. "Still okay to do this?"

"Yeah." Awsten wraps his arms around himself. He's starting to shiver. His body is vibrating rapidly against Jawn's. He exhales, wraps his arm back around Awsten's shoulders, and hugs him close, turns his head and brushes his lips against Awsten's head.

"Are you sure you don't want me ta get you a jacket?" He presses. "It's cold out..."

"No," Awsten says quickly. "It needs to be this sweatshirt."

He's not sure why. He doesn't know what significance that particular sweatshirt has or why Awsten wants to keep wearing it, but he knows that everything has some sort of meaning. Awsten doesn't do anything without a reason, even if that reason is only for himself.

"Alright." He gets to his feet and holds out a hand. "Let's do this."

...

Ten minutes in, he started to see what Awsten was intending.

He's following him around downtown Boston with a camera, as Awsten wraps the Christmas lights around himself. The ending shots are around a random telephone box, corresponding directly to the tonal shift in the song. He watches, as Awsten wraps the lights around the box and slides down in front of it with his legs stretched out in front of him, drops his head and closes his eyes.

I know you said to mind my business, but cupid sent me on a mission...

That's got me sitting, wishing, waiting for your call.