worst ; gawsten

nine

today's my ex's and my anniversary so this was fun to write lmao i'm fine everything's fine

trigger warnings for anxiety and panic attacks

"What the hell just happened?"

He steps in front of the TV, blocks both the screen and the Switch base sensing Otto's remote, and crosses his arms over his chest. Otto curses loudly and glares at him, waving the remote around with a protest, "Whaddya do that for? I was in first place!"

"Geoff just had a panic attack," he says. His own heart is racing. He looks back over to his bunk where he left Geoff to sleep, laces his fingers together and starts to pull them apart in an attempt to keep his hands from shaking. Is Geoff okay what if he wakes up what if he's alone what if I'm not there this was such a bad idea fuckfuckfuck- "He told me he was telling the truth and had a fucking panic attack over it. And now I- I don't- what's going on, Otto?" His throat is tight. It's like someone's wrapping rope around his body, pulling it tighter and tighter and tighter it hurts everything hurts fuck stop stop it please I need it to stop-

"Hey. Aws? Hey, it's okay." He looks up. His vision is blurry. It takes a couple seconds to focus in on Otto, register his hands on his shoulders and make eye contact. "Take a deep breath. You're okay."

"Tell me what's wrong." He gasps out the words through a dry sob. The ache is splattering against the walls of his chest, coating everything in paint layers of pain. "Please."

"You gotta sit down, dude." Otto tightens his grip on his bicep and tugs him toward the couches. "C'mon."

He exhales heavily as he collapses into one of the chairs, squeezes his eyes shut and presses the heels of his hands into his face, breathes. Shut up. Stop panicking. You're fine. Geoff's fine. Everything's fine. "Tell me."

Otto sighs. He feels a hand on his back. Otto keeps it there for a couple seconds, presses against his skin in soft circles, before he brings his hand back. "It's been a few years."

"Since what?" It feels like every heart beat sends a new wave of blurriness, more anxiety and hurt and nausea pumped out through his veins, to the rest of his body, all in the form of blood.

Otto shakes his head, drops it down to stare at his lap. "God, Aws. I dunno how you didn't see it sooner. He's never been good at hiding it."

"Hiding what?" Otto needs to fucking tell him already he doesn't know what's going on and everything is moving so fast he wants to get out he wants to get away he wants this to stop pleasepleaseplease.

"He's been in love with you since the day he met you, Awsten," Otto says quietly. "Well, like- not in love in love. I don't think he's a love at first sight kinda guy. But there was something there...we'd go get burgers every day, after band practice, and he'd just go on and on about how beautiful you were and how much he wished he wasn't so anxious so he could confess. But anxiety sucks so he never did and then you started dating-"

"He liked me?" He chokes out. "When I- when I started datin'- oh my god..."

"He tried not to," Otto adds. "Believe me, he did. He even started dating Chloe to try and get over you. And he really liked her. They had fun together. But after every date he'd call me and start talking about how he wished it was you running through sunflowers with him, or going to fall festivals, or sharing froyo even when it was freezing out. He had a good time with her, but she just- she wasn't you."

"Oh my- oh my god..." Holy shit what the fuck what is happening what just happened what's going on is this real it doesn't feel real what the fuck just happened what-