worst ; gawsten

five

okay this chapter is a lot shorter and i'm sorry but i had to end it where i did for next chapter to flow properly i'm sorry

no real trigger warnings except geoff feels the effects off his lil drinking binge and pukes, so if you're bothered by that you can skip the first scene

He blinks, catches the tiniest glimpse of light, and immediately squeezes his eyes shut.

The ache is big, loud, and throbbing. His bunk curtain is closed; he can see it even with his eyes closed, see the shadows shift with the smallest movement of his head. He stops as quick as he starts. It's like a thousand sharp knives digging into his skull, piercing and ripping, digging deeper the more he moves his head.

His body is getting heavier; he's just barely poking his head around the corner to the abyss of sleep, and then the world screeches, nails on a chalkboard, seven cats getting their tails stepped on, cars skidding to a rushed halt.

"Geoff, man, you gotta get up. The people from Bus Invaders are gonna be here in an hour."

Why is Otto screaming at him why is everything so loud it hurts everything hurts he feels sick he's gonna puke oh fuck he's nauseous he'sgonnapukehe'sgonnapukehe'sgonnapuke fuckfuckfuck.

He forces himself to open his eyes and keep them open even though it stings and burns and hurts so fucking bad everything hurts his body feels like it's on fire. He stumbles out of his bunk and down the aisle, out of the bus and kneels in the grass.

Liquid surges through his stomach and barrels up his throat and then he's vomiting. The heaves tear up his throat and bring tears to his eyes and he keeps them closed. The sunlight is so much worse than artificial lighting in the bus.

"Jesus christ."

He feels the presence before he hears the voice. Otto drops down beside him and begins to rub his back. The alcohol just keeps coming and coming back up. He heaves again at the smell. He can't look. He can't look closing his eyes hurts tensing any muscle brings thousands of sharp stingers to his head he can't do this hecan'thecan'thecan't.

"You done?"

He nods but doesn't lift his head. Otto hands him a tissue and he wipes his mouth, keeping his eyes closed.

"I don't know what the fuck happened last night and I honestly don't want to," Otto continues. "But Awsten hasn't left his bunk since he got you in yours last night and he won't talk to any of us. I don't know what the fuck you did, but you better do something about it before the cameras get here."

Otto stands and he hears the bus door open and slam shut. He swallows and screws up his face at the vomit aftertaste.

What the fuck happened last night?

...

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

His head is heavy. His face feels stiff from the dried tears. There's an ache right behind his eyes, pressing into the front of his skull, a pocket of tears held in a very thin membrane, dangerously close to ripping.

He didn't sleep. He didn't try. His heart was beating too fast and his mind wouldn't even slow down, let alone shut off.

CiaraGeoffCiaraGeofflovecheaterlovetoughlovedepressionanxietyworstworstworst.

He breathes in and holds it. It makes his chest feel tight. He exhales the breath raggedly and closes his eyes.

It's not true. Geoff was just drunk. He was drunk and he didn't know what he was saying and he's an overly affectionate drunk he was drunk that's all it was he was drunk hewasdrunkhewasdrunkhewasdrunk.

It's not real it's not true he didn't mean it he couldn't have meant it it's not real he was drunk he was drunk, "he was drunk," he whispers. It hurts to speak. His throat feels raw. When he swallows it feels like a thousand hot coals are housed in his throat, setting up a wall where his trachea connects to his esophagus.

"You're okay," he tells himself. "Everything's okay. He was drunk. You're gonna get up, get dressed, do this bus tour, and it's all gonna be okay." The mini pep talk leaves a growing pit in his abdomen because drunk or not, his act just got so much more complicated. Acting okay is so much easier when there's no tension between people on the bus. Because now he has to talk to Geoff and joke with Geoff and be around Geoff like last night never happened.

Herculean.

...

Geoff and Otto are playing Mario Kart and he's eating blueberries and it's all okay.

He's watching from behind. The camera is focused on the TV. His hands are shaking and he's trying to hide it with the blueberries but it's not working because he keeps dropping them and stepping on them it's okay it's okay it's not okay nothing is okay.

Geoff's hair is messy and his eyes are red. He's draped himself in layers; a t-shirt followed by a sweatshirt followed by his trademark denim jacket, with his Zelda necklace and jeans. He was probably hoping to hide the hangover with a bath in cologne and a nice pair of clothes but all Awsten can see is last night hewasdrunkhewasdrunkhewasdrunk.

The race ends and ironically enough, Otto wins. The camera turns to him and he makes a show of shaking his head dramatically, turning back toward the bunk area. "Geoff. Making me wrong."

He goes on to explain the contents of their fridge and pantry, before they move onto the higher cabinets. He stands on tiptoe to open the door. "Yo actually, I brought some movies this time, 'cause I saw there was a DVD player, and I was like 'yo satellite stuff never works on these things, so." He pauses and begins pulling DVDs out of the cabinet. "I got Mothman Prophecies, I got What Lies Beneath." They're mostly scary movies and he tells the cameras they were watching them together, their little group, but he was supposed to watch them on Skype with her and the hole in his chest is starting to tear open again and he's biting his lip and hoping it doesn't show on his face.

He moves over to the desk area, right in front of the bunks, and leans against the table. "This is the first time we've got to bring like, recording shit, on a tour, um, it's all in that bunk right now, but um, it's been nice to have like, a setup." He gestures to the table, "to be able to actually do that while we're out, 'cause it's never been a thing before. It's always like, voice memos 'till I get home."

He recorded worst here. Late that night, when everyone was out, with tears drying on his cheeks, fingers shaking so bad he could barely get the right chords, he recorded the song and edited it and produced it so having recording shit is nice but at the same time he wishes it was just shitty voice memos on his phone because it wouldn't be an actual song, out there for everyone to see.

They move on to the bunks. When they get to his, he bites his lip and pulls the curtain back. No tissues, no tissues, please no tissues. And lucky for him, there are only a couple pillows, his lanyard to get into the venue, and of course, his phone. "It's...dark. Um, I'm glad I found my phone. I was wondering if it was up there."

He wasn't. He doesn't want to look at his phone he doesn't want to think about his phone he doesn't even want to hold his phone because all he does anymore is unlock it and navigate instinctively to their texts and what she said and how she told him she's glad she cheated because staying with him, as fucked up as he is, was a literal nightmare he was a nightmare he was her nightmare he was a fucking nightmare.

He swallows. It stings.

He turns back to continue the tour.

so...we've got some issues. will geoff remember? will awsten say something? will this be the day otto gets tired of these two idiots' bullshit and leaves the band? find out next chapter lmao (actually: awsten keeps being sad, otto tries to get it out of him, geoff is clueless, and everyone is miserable)

i promise it gets better soon but i'm trying to be as realistic as i can trust me i want geoff to swoop in and kiss all of awsten's problems away just as much as you guys do but that's just not how life works lmao