worst ; gawsten

thirteen

trigger warnings - anxiety and panic attacks

it's a heavy one lmao 

enjoy

"It's...it's perfect."

"Yeah?" Jawn tightens the arm around his back and uses his other hand to pause the clip. "Are you sure? If there's anything you want me to change, I can-"

"No," he breathes. It's a different sensation, like a ball is forming and swelling inside his chest, lighting itself on fire and heating everything in its vicinity while sending sparks outward.

The knot weighs heavy and the ache is large, splattered against his skull, sinking in where it lays and forming the ruts. He's been here before, traced into those same ridges time and time again, felt himself descend into the same trench he's sure he'll be buried in, going as deep as the hollows in his chest.

This was supposed to be different.

It was all supposed to be so different.

"I'm so prouda you," Jawn murmurs. He feels the lips against the side of his head, closes his eyes and leans into Jawn's touch, molds his side against Jawn's chest and tries to take a few deep breaths out. "It came out so good. The fans are gonna love it."

"I just." The words bite as they come up. He can't say anymore. His mouth feels dry, like he's been swallowing cotton and can't rid himself of the taste. "I don't know how much longer I can feel like this."

"You deserve better." Jawn's voice is soft, breath warm against the top of his head. "You deserve someone who'll love you so much better than she ever could. And you'll find them. I promise you will. It won't hurt like this forever."

"I thought she was everything." His voice breaks. He can't keep back the sob that follows. He turns his face into Jawn's shirt and bites down on his lip. Stop crying. Stop fucking crying. Why do you have to do this every time-

It's been over two weeks. Over two weeks of tears, body shifting into gears he didn't think possible, I can't out of bed I can't do this I can't cry on stage again it's too much it hurts to bad I just wanna be alone I don't wanna see anyone or talk to anyone or face anyone please I just-

It's been over two weeks and this is still his reality.

It was supposed to be different.

"Hey," Jawn murmurs. "You need a minute? I can go finish this in my bunk if you need me t-"

He shakes his head the tiniest bit, winds both arms around Jawn's waist and squeezes, presses his lips together and tries to rein the rest of the tears in. He knows it's a lot. He knows he's a lot. It's not easy to deal with him and Jawn shouldn't have to if she didn't want to deal with you why would he why would anyone grow the fuck up stop it stop you need to stop doing this you're gonna drive them away you're gonna drive everyone away you-

"Aws? Hey, you okay?"

He lifts his head and rubs at his face with the back of his hand.

He didn't even notice Geoff come in. Nothing is registering. It's all too fuzzy and black there are spots everywhere he can't do this he can't he can't pleasenostopitwhydoesthiskeephappening-

The next few moments are a blur. He doesn't see. He can't. It's all red and black and hot everywhere he can't breathe there's no more air left please I need it pleasepleaseplease-

There's pressure against his back and then his face rubs against something solid and he forces a breath in, blows it out and takes another one, smaller this time, tries to hold it long enough for his starving chest to drench itself. The bone fragments are dry and they feel hollow, pressing into his skin and begging for something more. They need more. He doesn't have more but they need it.