Heart of Ice

Helpless

Yewon had been too young to really think about being a mother. She had only ever wanted to get pregnant because of the pressure that everyone had exerted on her, and because somehow being pregnant was posed as the royal solution to all of her problems. The act of actually having the baby and raising it was something she didn't really dwell on.

But somehow, motherhood was the first thing that came to Yewon's mind after Soonyoung's shocking revelation- she thought about cradling a baby in her arms, a baby that came from her own flesh and skin. Her baby. Raising it. Seeing it laugh. Hearing its first words. Seeing it take its first steps. Loving it more than she could love anything in the world.

You don't know a blessing is until you lose it.

As Yewon processed what Soonyoung had revealed, she just felt empty, like something extremely precious had slipped through her fingers, indefinitely lost and irretrievable.

Soonyoung, however, did not really understand what she was feeling at the moment. He thought she was upset that this meant she couldn't stay in Solen, that she couldn't carry out her royal duty as a princess. So he tried to comfort her by saying: "look, I have an idea. I don't know if it will work but it's the only thing I can come up with right now. Haein is pregnant with my baby. We could somehow pretend that you're pregnant, put a pillow in your belly or something..."

Soonyoung continued talking about his idea, but Yewon's mind was completely blank. She sat there frozen as she processed that she had a lost an essential part of her femininity and an essential part of her nature.

"Hey," he said when he saw that she was unresponsive. "Come on, talk to me."

"W...why did you wait until now to tell me this?" Yewon stammered as she lifted her head to face him.

"To be honest, I forgot," Soonyoung answered regretfully.

"That's ridiculous!" she lashed at him furiously. "How could you forget something so important?!"

"I didn't really 'forget,' because I thought you knew already. I didn't even realize that was on the page I took away!" he defended himself, as if that somehow excused him.

"Why did you even take away that stupid page in the first place?!" she asked him frenziedly. Yewon felt like she wanted to strangle him. She was so frustrated at that moment, and she needed to release that negative energy somehow. She wanted someone to blame. Seokmin was dead, so all she had was Soonyoung right now as a target.

"You need to calm down," he told her, and that only made her want to hit him. All those months of tireless and futile attempts at becoming pregnant could have been avoided if only he wasn't such a fool; she could have faced this bitter realization much earlier. She could have been over it by now, and this fresh heartbreak she only now started to experience would have healed.

"I hate you!" she yelled at him through gritted teeth, clenching her fists.

"That's not necessary," he said calmly.

She threw her fists at his chest, unable to control herself. "I hate you!" she said again, and she finally broke down and began to cry. "I hate you," she said through her tears, still crying.

He grabbed her wrists to stop her from hitting him. "Calm down," he said again, leveling his eyes with hers

"I hate you," she said more quietly, pulling her wrists from his grip and using it to cover her face.

She silently cried by herself, trying to calm down. As she did, Soonyoung circled behind her to where his dresser was. He opened one of the drawers and he began rummaging through it. Yewon then heard paper tearing, and before long, he was in front of her, presenting her with part of the missing page of Seokmin's letter.