Deadly

Chapter Eight

“Dec…”, his voice is in my ear, soft and gentle. It’s a familiar voice. A voice I think I know. It holds promise and truth; worry and concern.

I whimper. It’s the only sound I can make. I shiver and feel him tug the blankets tighter around me. I’m warm and safe and for once in a very long time, I feel no pain. Surely this must be heaven. But it couldn’t be. Not for me atleast. I belonged in hell.

There’s a soft beeping in the distance.I feel it pull me under into its lulling lullaby. I drift off to the dark, fearing both nothing and everything….

“Dec...please..Wake up. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything”, I can hear him talking even though my eyes refuse to open.

“Please..”

           I no longer hear his voice. He must of left. I’m coming around now. The fog is lifting from my brain. Where am I? What happened? I struggle through the murk in my mind. I don’t seem to have the strength to open my eyes. Every last inch seems to have been dipped into a boiling pot of agony. Did Ashden hurt me again?

I search for answers but come up empty handed. Whose voice had been calling to me from this slumber? It wasn’t Ashden or Cat...no wait I remember now. It’s Atreyu. The guy I wanted to be happy with but only hurt in the end.

 There’s a lump that forms in the back of my throat. I’d really messed up this time...and now I had no one.. I want to wake up now. I want this nightmare to finally end. I don’t want to hate myself anymore. Or cheat. Or lie. Or starve myself because no matter what I never feel good enough. Maybe it was because of Ashden. Maybe it was because something had went awry in my head. I’d never really know. I just don’t want any of this anymore.

I struggle to wake up. I can’t just lay here anymore. I’ll rot away before I ever get the chance to make up for all the mistakes that I’ve made lately. My eyes open just slightly. I wince at the stream of light suddenly starting to blind me.

I force them open; to embrace the light and fear the damning dark. I needed to live. Not forever but just long enough that I could fix everything. My body aches not in the familiar pain but a completely new one. I’m alone tucked in neatly under the blankets and the fold of reality and hurt. Where’s Atreyu? Did he finally decide to give up completely on me?

*                        *                                       *                                            *

Hours pass in the mainstream of beeping machines and antiseptic fumes that burn away my sinuses. I shiver although I’m not really cold. I’m scared. Of everything that I’ve been hiding from for so long. Including myself.

Atreyu stumbles in after a while. I look up shocked to see that he even bothered to come back. He meets my gaze as he reaches for a chair not far from my bed. He pulls it even closer and sits down next to me. I wait for him to say something but he doesn’t. And the silence scares me.

“I’m sorry.”

He sighs and rubs his temples, “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Would it have made a difference?”

“Yes-no.I don’t know.”

“This wasn’t your fault.”

“Yes it is.”

“You didn’t cheat though.”

“No but I-”

“Stop. He deserved to know. I knew this was coming for a long time now.”

“You’ve cheated on him before?”

“No. You were the only time I’ve done that.”

“Then how did you know that he would hurt you this badly?”

“His ex cheated on him..the hurt-it never left him. He’s so angry all the time now..”

“That’s not an excuse to hurt you.”

“But I deserved it. I deserved every minute of it…”

“Why do you keep saying that?”

“Because I did...I’m a horrible person.”

“No your not. You were scared and hurt and just looking for a way out.”

“I destroyed us. I ruined everything.”

“You didn’t destroy our friendship.”

“Do you think...there’s still hope for us?”

“What do you mean?”

I fumble with the edge of the blanket and look down. Why was I asking this? Did I really want to know the answer? “To date.”

He exhales loudly as if I had just slapped him. I peek up at him through my eyelashes. A look of true pain devastates his handsome face. I’ve never hated myself more.It takes him a while to respond. The air feels dead around me.

“ I don’t know, Dec. I honestly don’t know,” his voice is strained and his eyes glisten with fresh tears. How badly did I hurt him?

“Ok”, it’s all I can say. There’s a million different emotions running through me and none of them are good. Why? Why didn’t I just stay away from him? Why didn’t I tell him I had a boyfriend in the beginning? Everything would have just been so much simpler if I would have just thought before I acted. Now everything was a mess.