Deadly

Chapter Ten

It’d been years since I felt like this. Not alone or scared or hollow or broken. I was whole for once in a long time. The scars would always be there no matter how hard they tried to scrub and polish the skin strangling my bones but I was ok.

Months had gone by in a slow tedious string of nothingness. I popped their candy pills and chewed and gagged on their “nutritious” food. I tried my best to be a good girl. I hated every minute of it.

No one had come to see the ghost plastered behind the locked door in her prison cell. I couldn’t quite wrap my mind around it. Where was Atreyu?  I needed him and he was no where to be seen. Maybe he finally moved on. Maybe he replaced me. That would be the best thing for him.

I missed my life. I missed having a boyfriend. I missed the parties at Cat’s house and the crazy times we used to have. I missed the nights I’d spend at the lake with Atreyu. I missed everything I knew I’d probably never have again. They hated me. They all hated me now.

Now my reflection wasn’t just the only thing mocking me silently from a distance. There’s Cat, and mom, and dad, and Ashden, and Atreyu, and-and-..so many many more people. Where did I go wrong? Where did the lines first blur between reality and a place of darkness? When did I decide that eating was pointless? And that 2 boyfriends would make me happy? When did I befriend that razor blade that always seemed to be ready and waiting for me?

I don’t know any of the answers and I guess that’s why I’m here now. Maybe it was when I realized that Ashden wasn’t who I thought he was. Or when he first hit me. Or the time he told me I was ugly and pathetic. It all started so right but ended so wrong. I never meant for things to go this far. I never wanted any of this. I just wanted my prince charming and a life I could be proud of. But I wasn’t proud. I wasn’t proud of the scars and the hurt and the pain and the fear. But thats all I had left to keep my seams from coming undone.

I’ll wither away in this new body before they finally release me. I’m tired and drained and I just want to go home. I want to hug Sprinkles. I want to cry and know that I’m not a horrible person for it. I don’t want to smile everyday and every minute and every second. I just want to be me again. Not the made up me or the fake me or the me that the people here have made me, but the real me. The me I was with Atreyu. The me that was happy. The me that didn’t have to lie anymore.

I want a second chance at all of this. I promise I won’t starve myself anymore. Or cut. Or bleed. Or break apart until I can’t find myself anymore. I’ll be better this time. I’ll be the girl that everyone wants me to be. All you have to do is let me go.

 
Hey guys! I know its been a while but I have 3 chapters going up sometime next week for this story.