The Bachelor - H.S.

Chapter 20

After a time I decide it would be best to retire to my bedroom. The events of the day have tired me out and I'm scared if I remain any longer in this room the other girls may find me. After being ridiculed for my wealth, getting lost and scared shitless, then being scolded by Harry, I am in no mood to make pleasant conversation.

I thought the mindless distraction of my book might have eased my worry and taken my mind off the problem at hand- convincing Harry to forgive me- but I was mistaken. As I've left the rift between Harry and I to stew for 2 additional hours I only feel worse.

As I stand and retreat back to my bedroom I try to conjure a plan that will allow Harry to forgive me. For the foreseeable future, I can't think of a way that Harry and I will be allowed to see each other before the next rose ceremony, which is in 4 days. I can't wait that long. Just waiting two hours already has me in stitches.

I enter my room, find it empty, and plop dully down onto my bed. I stare up at the high ceiling and bright chandelier, willing some conniving idea or another to come to mind, but nothing happens. I lay on my back, staring into space with a completely empty mind. The only thing I am able to think about is the look of disgust on Harry's face as he reprimanded my actions and the severe disappointment in his voice. I feel like a child that's been told off by a strict parent and the worst part is Harry's outburst was completely warranted.

I thought about it all the way home and now it seems I'm doomed to think about it some more- I am not suited for sharing my life with another person. At least not yet. Since my father died I've been responsible for taking care of myself. In order to do that I didn't have time to consider the feelings of others.

I am, or was, vehemently terrible at feeling empathy, a trait that has served me greatly for the past several years. However, for the past several years I haven't been engaged in any sort of romantic relationship, especially not one that's required me to put another person's interests before my own.

Now confronted with Harry's discontent, I find that there's a small part of me that's willing to change for him. I want to be able to take his feelings into account. I care about Harry, there's no denying the fact. I fought it hard for a long time, but it seems there is no other option left but for me to give in to my feelings.

What I'm experiencing is strange- almost alien. I can't remember a time when I ever wanted to actually feel something. I've always assumed it's better to stay cold and unemotional- that way there's less of a chance of me getting hurt. Although I wish I could remain the same, I'm afraid it's too late. Harry has changed me, and what scares me is that he's changed me for the better.

I never thought I would want to share my life with another person, especially not after only knowing them for the better part of a month and a half. I never thought I would even have feelings for another person, let alone as strong as the kind I have for Harry.

I want to apologize to him for being selfish and I want to apologize for not considering his feelings. If I want him to care for me I need to care for him. I remind myself that's how a relationship works- but I've never been in one before. How am I supposed to know that when I'm still learning? Maybe I should tell him about my peculiar situation.

However, if I decide to indulge him in my past affairs- or lack thereof- it could be cause for suspicion. If I've never been in a relationship before, let alone loved anyone before, how could I possibly want to settle down and be engaged to someone I've known for 3 months? Harry is a smart man- he could put the pieces together. Somebody like me doesn't just completely change their beliefs on the drop of a dime.

What can I tell him? That I've never had a successful relationship because I never learned how to deal with one properly? That is a little less suspicious and may give a viable reason for me choosing such an unorthodox way of meeting and dating Harry.