The Bachelor - H.S.

Chapter 32

4 weeks later...

I sit in front of my small TV, my legs crossed and a worn blanket draped around my shoulders. It's nearly October and the weather is getting as cold as ever, but I still refuse to turn on my heat. In my lap sits a cup of instant noodles- I hold it to my stomach as a source of heat. I reside in a pair of pyjamas I have not washed in about a week. My hair is in the same disgusting state- as is the rest of my apartment.

Since I returned from Jamaica a month ago my life has been worse than ever. I thought after a few days, maybe even a couple of weeks, i would start to feel better, but I was wrong. Since I left my mood has not improved by the slightest. In fact, it's only worsened as the days have passed.

Every single waking moment of my existence Harry's broken face haunts my mind. I thought the image might have faded after a while, as all memories do, but I was wrong. This one refuses to go anywhere. Every time I see it in my mind I'm reminded of what an awful thing I did to Harry.

But what other choice did I have? It was either walk out on my own terms or let Astrid blab about my past. Harry knowing about my former profession is unthinkable. Firstly, everyone in my past who has come to know about me, including Astrid herself, has been disgusted. I am almost 99% sure that Harry would have the same reaction. Even in the event that he didn't come to completely despise me, it wouldn't make a difference. Harry having that sort of knowledge about myself would ensure that he never looked at me in the same way ever again. He could stay with me and kiss me and fuck me all he wanted, but his image of me would be tainted in a way I never want it to be. I'd rather stay away from him and keep his idea of me pure instead of allow him to find out and have his view of who I am change.

That's why I left. To protect myself and Harry. Not only would I be embarrassed and ashamed beyond measure if he found out, but I know his entire concept of me and our relationship would change, and I am convinced it would not be in a good way.

So, I am resigned to living out my lonely existence in my tiny apartment in the sketchiest neighbourhood of New York. I don't deserve to be with someone as lovely as Harry, anyway. People from my past have convinced me of this. I'm as worthless as all the people I used to work with- or so I've been told...

Nothing has been the same since I returned. All I have the will to do is get up in the morning, head to work, execute my shift in complete silence, return home, make myself a meagre dinner, and then go to sleep. Nothing else. Nothing else at all for the past month.

I don't feel the need to do anything else. I am so broken inside and out that doing anything other than wallowing in self pity and misery is unthinkable. I'm constantly in a bad mood- maintaining any sort of relationship is impossible. Not only have I become isolated from Harry, but I've become isolated from pretty much everyone else.

How the hell could one stupid man do this to me? One stupid, perfect, beautiful, kind, selfless, amazing man. Fucking hell- I can't start thinking about him again. I'm just going to end up sobbing into my pillow like I do most nights. My efforts are in vain, though. Of course I'm going to end up thinking about him. I always do. He's inescapable. He's made a home in my brain and refuses to leave, and the worst part is I can't tell if I want him to or not.

The only reason I really have for living anymore are the memories of Harry stored in my mind, ready to be replayed on a whim. When I close my eyes and dream that I'm still with him, I don't feel like jumping out my small window onto the pavement below.

I simply cannot believe he's had this effect on me. I never thought going on a show as stupid as The Bachelor would result in me feeling like this. How the hell could a guy I simply like do this to me? Surely crushes do not cause someone to feel feelings like this, but what do I know? I've never been in a relationship before. I barely count what Harry and I had as a relationship. Even so, it was the most real and pure connection I've ever had with a person. Now it's gone.