Paper Planes

12.

(Nat)

It was one of those days. One of those days on which I was really bad.
The night before, I hadn't been able to sleep, rolling around in bed, turning and shifting the whole time.

My mind just wouldn't leave me alone, wouldn't let me rest. I didn't know why, but there just were times when it was more difficult for me to fall asleep than usual.

Thus I was sitting in class, hella tired, barely able to stay awake. Throughout the entire lesson I had struggled with the urge to close my eyes. Until now, I had more or less successfully fought against it.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the bell rang. With shaking hands, I packed my stuff into my bag and stood up.

I suddenly felt dizzy. My hands went numb and my vision went blurry.
The familiar, almost soothing feeling of losing the grip on reality hit me. I knew that feeling just too well. It didn't scare me anymore.

Everything went black and I felt like falling, like being pulled into nothing.

----

The next thing I recalled after being unconscious was a sharp, pulsing pain in the back of my head, the cold floor underneath my body and indistinguishable voices mixed with the sound of blood rushing through my ears.

I tried to open my eyes and blinked slowly. Something very bright was blinding me.
"Ugh", I mumbled and pressed my eyes shut.

Was it the sun? Was this heaven? Though I surely didn't belong in heaven.
After blinking again I realized that I was still in a classroom, and that the blinding light was in fact just coming from the lamps.

Something round moved in front of the lamp, like a little eclipse. I opened my eyes a bit more, and recognised Sol, one of Liv's friends. Her friendly face was framed by a wild natural hair and it seemed as if she was saying something.
All I could hear was a confusing mix of sounds and random words.

I closed my eyes again and slowly felt the back of my head with one hand. No blood. Just pain. Thank goodness.
After I took a few breaths, my hearing came back. I could hear some whispers as well as one clear voice.

"Nathaniel", Sol said quietly. "Hey, can you hear me?"
I looked at her and nodded.
"Are you ok? Can you sit up?"
I nodded again and someone helped me sit up.
A new wave of pain flowed through my head. Suddenly I realized that one of my sleeves had moved up a little. Quickly, I pulled it down.

"Oh dear, you're even paler than usual", Sol said bluntly and I noticed a few classmates and our teacher standing or kneeling around me.
Please, no.
"I'm okay", I said, but it wasn't much more than a whisper.

"Mr Carter, you are clearly not okay. You just fainted", the teacher said in his piercing voice. He was looking at me like I was stupid.
I'm not stupid.
"I just... didn't eat enough today.", I mumbled guiltily.

"You should go home and get some rest."
I nodded again, trying to ignore the pain in the back of my head. It still stinged. Maybe I really should go home.

"Do you need some ice? For your head?", Sol asked, still kneeling on the cold floor next to me.
"Yeah, please", I responded faintly.
"Alright, do you think you can you stand up?"
I quickly nodded, and Sol and some other guy helped me up.

Everyone is staring. Honestly, I just wanted the floor to crack open and swallow me whole. I absolutely loathed being stared at.

After Sol and the other boy took me outside and sat down on a bench with me, someone brought me some ice and we waited for my mother to pick me up.
I could actually already imagine her concerned look, her sharp tone and usual exhausted sigh. Here I was, causing her trouble again.

And I was right. When she pulled into our school's parking lot, her expression was cold and stressed. With a bad feeling, I thanked the others for looking after me and walked over to her car, the ice pack still pressed to the back of my head.

"Nathaniel", she began to say, voice concerned but also slightly tense, after I got into the passenger seat.
I stared out the window, I didn't want a lecture.

She sighed. "I don't know if you understand. You have to get it together, ok? I don't have the time to drive around during work because you can't look after yourself."

She sounded disappointed. Her sharp words would probably have hurt me years ago, but now, I was numb to anything she said. I knew that I always messed things up and I did truly feel sorry, I just couldn't deal with her criticising me for it over and over again.

I still didn't say anything. She stopped at a red light and looked over to me. When I stayed in silence, she sighed once again and looked back to the street.

Nobody said a word until home. I got out of the car and for a moment, stood there hesitantly.
"Thanks," I said quietly and she nodded.

"Get some rest, Nathaniel, ok?"
"Yeah. See you."
"See you."

With that she drove off and I walked towards the house, the ice pack still in my hand, now mostly water.

My mother didn't have it easy, I knew that. But neither did I, and she did not seem to not fully understand this fact. We've always been so distant after what happened.
And I was a lot to deal with, obviously, I had been even more difficult as a child. Maybe too difficult for my mother.