☆ an enby and their thoughts ☆

v. butterfly soup's min & her problems femininity + my history with femininity

okay so. im playing butterfly soup and it's obvious min has problems with femininity, she doesnt want to conform to what everyone is trying to convince her.

that she shouldnt enjoy herself the way she wants to or in general BE THE WAY SHE WANTS TO because she's girl.

and even though im nb, im afab and was (and am still) raised and treated as a girl and relate to a lot of min's struggles and problems with femininity after being raised as a girl

(there was a scene early where min was using the family bathroom thats un-gendered and there was an awkward moment where akarsha asked why min used it, so min might be nb or just a masculine girl? im ok with either honestly.)

and i cant talk about her culture (shes korean. im white.) but obviously her culture is a huge aspect of her home life and her parents forcing femininity on her. she lives in a predominately asian community, so that would also partially affect her.

i cant speak so much on her part, as i havent even finished playing her. but i'll probably come back to this another time!!!

PLAY BUTTERFLY SOUP..

ITS HAS MAINLY LGBT+, MOSTLY NON-WHITE/POC (WHICH ARE MOSTLY WOC AND MOSTLY ASIAN), PROBABLY A LOT OF MENTALLY ILL, ETC CHARACTERS!! :O

they play baseball!! so i guess im learning about baseball and liking it now :/ im slowly liking everything ive disliked throughout the years wtf

warning tho:

it deals with abuse (parents abusing their children. some ableist slurs. and some kinda homophobia/misogynistic/etc language? these arent bc the creator is bad! its just some of the community/characters)

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i have no problem with femininity! i love being feminine a lot of the time! whether im feeling fem, masc, both, or neither that day, i can love acting feminine!

but...my problem was being treated feminine, if thats the right way to put it. here, i'll explain.

as a kid at my old school we have a uniform, and while we didnt have to, girls were allowed to wear skirts (encouraged to, actually.)

but for a while i did! but i slowly converted to skorts and than....just stopped wearing skirts/skorts all together.

my dad would constantly try to get me to wear skirts/skorts and tell me i have to be "ladylike."

one time i pretended to be a boy to get a boys toy, actually! (dad was confused. mom didnt care.)

and girls didnt like me. they bullied me but thats not the point, it was that i had NO girl friends. so i hung out with boys.

sure, for the most part they were just mutuals (expect one! him and i went over to each others houses all the time in second grade! also was my first (and for seven years, ONLY.) full fledged crush in kindergarten (it ended there too)!

we made jokes, played around, played sports and games, talked about video games, talked about dinosaurs, etc. i was one of the guys (i had ONE girl in my grade that was nice to me! and she was only in my class for one year...i dont remember her name but i kinda hope maybe i'll meet her again lmao)

but..around 1st-2nd grade i desperately tried to be feminine so the girls would like me. i wore all pink and generally "girly" things.

i stopped feeling like everyone looked at me weird when i did that, i felt "normal", but i didn't really like normal. it made me feel my own kind of weird, not everyone else's weird, my weird. its hard to explain because i was 6-8 and barely remember some of it.

when i moved here, a girl (who looking back at, i had a major crush on.) asked me "are you a girly girl or tomboy?"

i didnt know what a tomboy was, so i asked, she said "like...a boyish girl!"

so, i said tomboy. and, for many years, thats how i felt. sure, maybe being called a girl didnt feel right, but i didnt have any other option, if i said i wanted to be a boy, i'd be told im a female and that it says "F" on my birth certificate and that i dont have a dick (all things ive been told now.)

i rejected femininity all together, no skirts, no pink, no make, i hated my long hair, etc.

i had actual girl friends (like ryan, lilly, etc. and people who at the time identified as a girl but realized they arent later, like tal and alessia) so i lost my "one of the guys." title, (expect one guy friend i had, who was really just ryans friend...i mean hes my friend NOW but at the time...i dont think i knew his last name or anything about him besides his name, sorta.) and i was sad about that.

cut to 2016, i realized im NOT girl, im very much nonbinary/trans, and cut to jan 2017, i realized im genderfluid.

during last school year, i slowly expected a lot of femininity into my life, i felt so much more comfortable doing it.

then, the end of the year happened. i decided i want to wear a dress. so i decided to shave my legs, maybe do makeup, do my hair, etc.

i had a breakdown, remember i dont cry a lot, and when i do? i fucking sob. sure tears PHYSICALLY CANT roll down my face or anything, but i dont not "cry", ya get?

i just couldnt do it. it took me until that night to even shave my legs, and the dress felt so uncomfortable so i wore tights under it.

i felt nice...but dysphoria and my...i would internalized misogyny bc im not a girl but idk what to call it...fucked me up. big time.

im trying to expect femininity because i like imagining myself nice looking but..doing it is the hard part.

i just realized how long my history is...wow.