☆ an enby and their thoughts ☆

vi. grades.

Not a very fun topic, I know, but it's very important to me.

Grades are a huge part of most people's lives, but it can often make your entire school life feel like a competition to make the best grades and have the best titles.

I'll talk about my own experiences but I'd appreciate it a ton if any of y'all wanna talk about your experiences. I don't have an order from ages, but more or less in order of the conversation that inspired me to write this.

Now, my self-worth has been greatly affected by grades. I feel like if I don't make the best grades, I'm worthless, but it isn't just grades. It's what clubs I'm in, it's how teachers and friends and family and peers perceive me, etc. Those shouldn't matter, right? It doesn't feel like it, it often feels like the more things you're involved in and the more people see you as smart. 

I didn't join the beta club this year for my own reasons, and because of the fact I didn't join it, I felt and still feel dumb. I didn't join for a lot of reasons but it hurt, it hurt a lot because people then thought I was dumb. 

It often feels like I'm trying to prove to people I'm smart, even if I know academics aren't the only smarts. When I still was going to my psychologist, before I got diagnosed with ADHD and my grades were suffering, she told me that academics aren't the only smarts. You can be smart in other areas and not academically smart, and while I know that, I still feel like if I'm not academically smart than I'm an idiot.

A while back a friend of mine made some joke about how "why would THEY be in the beta club? They're an idiot" and another friend said "No, Kelly got the form, they just didn't sign up." and when the friend who made the joke heard that, they looked genuinely shocked.

That hurt, that hurt a lot. I know me and they may have known each other for a while, but we only really started talking last year, and it still hurt. This isn't the first time they had made fun of my intelligence or me in general, nor am I the only one they do this too and I'm pretty sure they mainly are just joking but the fact they looked really goes to show they thought (and probably still think.) I'm dumb.

How people perceive me is a really big part of how I feel about myself, and yeah, and it sucks a ton when people see me as dumb because then I feel dumb. It's like the whole "when enough people see you as something you kind of start to believe it yourself."

It's really hard to explain without repeating myself because I don't have another person putting in their input like earlier, but I'll try to go on. 

It can often feel like I'm seeing my friends and a lot of other people succeeding in things, and while this doesn't JUST pertain the grades and academics, grades and academics do play a role. It feels like so many people are so praised and liked and thought highly of, while once in a while people will notice I'm doing good. 

Some of the adults in my family will tell me that they saw kids succeeding, getting called up, being rewarded, but it never bothered them. They knew they weren't applying themselves, and that I am applying myself and I am doing good and I need to learn not to take people so seriously and take everything to heart.

...but it isn't just kids. They act like it just kids or students when it isn't. It's the teachers, the faculty, the school system. I can't really explain it that well, It kinda feels like I'm trying to prove to everyone who's ever thought of me as an idiot. 

It can often feel like I'll never measure up to anyone because people have made me and so many others feel like if we can't do stuff years above our current grade level we'll never be recognized as smart. My ADHD has also affected my grades and academic achievements. 

(I CAN'T CURRENTLY POST THE PICTURE BUT HERE'S BASICALLY IT:

"(tumblr user) courpulent